


Our Love

by alnima



Series: Trust Me [4]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, Eventual Happy Ending, M/M, Minor Zayn Malik/Harry Styles, More info in notes, Timestamp, Timestamp to Stay With Me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-17 17:52:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3538622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alnima/pseuds/alnima
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam wants a marriage and a family, Louis just wants Liam.</p><p>Sometimes love isn’t enough, and sometimes all you need is a little compromise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Our Love

**Author's Note:**

> This is a companion piece to my story ‘Stay With Me’ and the final part of my ‘Trust Me’ series. I’d say that it’s not necessary to have read that in order to read this, but you might be confused at times, like it might make sense as to why Niall is a baby and Zarry’s son.
> 
> A lot happened with Lilo behind the scenes of SWM and this story is meant to showcase that a bit. It's a little bit fast paced, it's not meant to be a fic fic, but rather just something that shows everyone what was happening with Lilo, especially Liam, while Harry and Zayn had their own thing going on. But it's still a fic...
> 
> I hope you all enjoy it.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't know or own anyone. This work is my own and it is not featured on any other site, nor does anyone have my permission to repost it in its entirety. Thank you!!!

Ironically, the start of their relationship falling apart happens during a conversation about their future. It’s the first time that Liam has properly asked about it, wanting so badly just a little bit more, wanting that stamp of forever, or at least a promise of it.

They’re eating dinner on the couch, Louis’ legs in Liam’s lap as they eat, a comfortable silence between them, at least from Louis’ ends of things. Liam is freaking out a bit, because it’s not like he’s going to ask Louis to marry him, he just wants to know about where their relationship is going. It’s something that he’s been thinking about since things first got serious, wondering just how long they could make it.

Dating Louis, if nothing else, is a whirlwind, a constant state of awe, because Liam is dating his best friend. He gets to spend every day with the person that he cares about most, and yeah, that’s something he’s alone in, but it makes him feel like he’s on top of the world, and he just wants a little more, maybe not now, but eventually.

Liam wants to declare his feelings for Louis on the highest mountain, but he’ll settle for a small gathering in front of their loved ones where he places a ring on Louis’ finger after he promises forever, or at least promises to work as hard as they can to make it last forever. He wants a family, children. Children that might not look like them but are theirs all the same. He wants it all, and it’s driving him crazy not knowing how Louis feels about the whole thing.

“Louis, do you ever think about where this is going to go?” Liam asks, staring at his plate, shoving at the food with his fork. He can’t bear to look up at Louis, he can’t bear it, because he doesn't know what Louis might say.

“I think the first stop is the stomach,” Louis says and Liam frowns, because that’s not. Well, that’s definitely not what he meant.

Liam sighs and shakes his head. “No, I’m talking about us, like our relationship. Do you ever think about where we’re going to go in the future?”

“What do you mean?” Louis asks, not understanding.

“I mean, like,” Liam pauses and takes a deep breath, shrugging, “do you think about marriage and children?”

It doesn’t take him but a minute to answer, “no, not really.”

“No?”

“No, I don’t.”

Liam licks his lips and nods, because that’s—it feels a bit like a blow to the gut, to the heart. It feels like Louis knew what Liam’s deepest desires were and decided to take it all away from him.

~~

It all down hill after that, Liam doesn’t know what he’s doing in a relationship without a future, a relationship where neither of them are on the same page about where it’s going.

He’s too old to just date around, too old to want to do exclusively casual. Liam wants the family and the marriage, he always has, and he never put anyone in that slot until he met Louis. He never imagined anyone alongside him for anything that he wanted until he met Louis, so it feels a bit like betrayal to find out that Louis doesn’t feel the same way.

It starts off with little fights, the two of them bickering over nothing. Liam making subtle jabs at Louis, pushing him and pushing him until he snaps and then they’re screaming, yelling at each other for no reason other than to see who can scream the loudest until they’re screaming about how Liam wants to get married and Louis doesn’t, finally the root of their problems coming back up to the surface.

Liam can see that it’s taking a toll on Louis, but something inside of him is wild, unforgiving, and he can’t stop. It’s like a wall has gone up and every time it feels like he’s slipping, like he’s getting closer to Louis, the alarm goes off, and the alarm sounds an awful lot like a raised voice, one that is screaming about Louis’ socks left on the bedroom floor. Or yelling about the fact that—god, he doesn’t even know why he’s yelling anymore; it’s just a natural reaction.

And it’s so hard, because in between the yelling, Liam is happy. He lies awake at night running his fingers through Louis’ hair, whispering into Louis’ ear how much he loves him when Louis’ has had a rough day, or making love to him like they hadn’t just screamed their voices hoarse about absolute nonsense a few hours earlier.

And on days when things are really hard on them, they try to bring Niall over, try to let the little burst of sunshine that follows him around seep into their bones, occupy their veins, and melt the ice around their hearts, but it only works for a little while, because nothing feels like a remedy to fix what’s already been undone.

~~

Yelling turns into indifference, at least for Liam. And maybe for Louis too, he’s not sure. They no longer scream at each other, but it’s not like they go back to how things were. No, instead it’s the opposite. They turn into those couples you hear about sometimes, the ones that go from being in relationship to being roommates, the transition happening so seamlessly.

And when it happens, Liam knows that it’s really over between them. Only, he doesn’t want to be the one that ends things. He doesn’t want to be the person that calls it quits, so he takes the coward’s way out, in a sense.

Liam begins moving his things out of Louis’ apartment, taking them back to his own that he’s rarely occupied since he’s been with Louis. He starts with the little things, some books, a bunch of movies, and little knick-knacks that he doesn’t think Louis will notice. It’s books that Louis doesn’t read, movies that he knows will never be missed, and items that Liam doesn’t want to leave behind. Then he takes a lamp, the one on the side of his bed that casts the best reading light. And then he empties a drawer out of the dresser, one that was filled with clothes inappropriate for the season, ones waiting to be worn.

And he’s under the impression that Louis doesn’t notice a thing until one night, when he’s folding laundry in their bedroom. He’s got his back away from the door, digging into the basket and pulling out a pair of Louis’ pants, folding them carefully, when he hears:

“Liam, can I ask you something?”

Liam nods, setting the pants down and turning towards Louis. “Yeah, what is it?”

“What happened to that lamp?” Louis asks, pointing to where it used to be. And it’s not at all what Liam thought that he’d ask, not at all what he had been expecting, or even wanting him to ask. He didn’t—god, he didn’t think that Louis would notice that. Louis hates the lamp, he acts like it doesn’t exist any other time, but of course he’d notice.

Liam doesn’t know what to say or do, so he shakes his head and turns back towards the clothing, needing a minute to compose himself without looking at Louis. “Do you want to order Chinese tonight? Get some take-out and watch a movie?”

It’s not what he should say, he should tell Louis what’s going on, should end things now instead of dragging everything out because he’s too afraid to hurt Louis, even though he is. It’s not even what he wants to say, but it’s all that he can manage to get out of his mouth.

Louis sighs and says, “Yeah, that sounds great, Li.”

And Liam pretends that he can’t hear the sadness in Louis’ voice.

~~

As he’s leaving work the following day, Harry asks him to pick up Niall and take him home. And it’s not like he’s going to say no, not about picking Niall up, because according to Harry, if he’s telling the truth, there’s no one else to do, so Liam swallows his suspicions that this is a ploy to get him to talk to Louis.

He can see it, Louis and Zayn waiting for him at Zayn’s apartment, Zayn taking Niall and forcing the two of them alone. It wouldn’t be the end of the world to be alone with Louis, he does it all the time, but Liam still hasn’t found the words inside his head to explain to Louis that he just can’t do it anymore, he wants Louis too much, but wants a family even more. And maybe he wants them both equally, he’s not sure.

But when he drops Niall off at Zayn’s, it doesn’t look like anyone is there, so they go to Niall’s bedroom and start playing with his blocks, a mindless task that takes Liam’s thoughts away from worrying about what he’s doing with Louis and forces him to think about Niall, keeping him happy and entertained with the toys.

“That’s C,” Niall says, pointing to the letter P.

Liam smiles at him, ruffles his hair. “That’s C, like cat.”

“Cat, Kitty,” Niall says, nodding.

“Yeah, just like your cats. Do you know what letter Kitty starts with?” Liam asks, and Niall looks at him thoughtfully for a moment before he shakes his head, tossing his blocks down and going for more toys.

They’re playing together for a while, Liam even manages to get Niall to sit still long enough that he can read him one of his books before he’s back to destroying his bedroom, dumping his toy chest over and spilling it’s contents onto the floor.

The sound of keys in the door go unheard, but Niall definitely hears the sound of Zayn’s bedroom door opening and an oomph as someone drops down on Zayn’s bed. Liam knows who it is, let’s Niall rush out of the room to get his father while he starts cleaning up the mess, feeling guilty that he helped cause it.

A few minutes later, while he’s putting the final toys back in their place when he’s movement, he glances up to see Zayn looking down at him, he smiles, and turns back to the toys.

“What are you doing here?” Zayn asks.

“Harry had to work later than he normally does, and since I took off early, he asked me to pick up Niall. He said you were working late, and I knew Louis wouldn’t be able to do it since he got off at the same time as you, so here I am,” Liam explains, tossing the last block in the box and closing the lid. “I thought he told you, sorry,”

“He might have,” Zayn replies with a shrug. “I haven’t bothered checking my phone all day.”

Liam nods and stands, feeling uncomfortable, because he knows that Louis has talked to Zayn, of course he has. He never expected him not to, because if Louis can’t talk to Liam about something, then of course he’s going to go to his best friend.

“I should probably get home, though, Harry should probably be here any minute, and Louis will be wondering where I am,” Liam says, because he knows it’s true, and because he doesn’t know what else to say to Zayn, it’s too weird. He shrugs and then moves forward, kissing Niall on the cheek and making his way down the hall.

When he’s halfway to the door he hears Zayn say, “Hey, Li?”

“Yeah?” Liam calls back as he turns around to look at Zayn and Niall.

“It’s none of my business, but I think you should talk to Louis.”

“About what?” Liam asks, feigning confusion as best as he can.

Zayn laughs and shakes his head. “Just talk to him, all right? He’s confused and worried, and I think he could really use it.”

“Yeah all, right,” Liam says with a nod before he turns around and makes his way out of the apartment, sighing to himself.

~~

Later that evening, when he’s back at home with Louis, and they’re lying on the couch together watching a movie, he thinks about what Zayn said to him, and he thinks about what he knows.

He knows that Louis has caught on to the fact that he’s been taking stuff out of the apartment, whether Louis has figured out why is entirely unknown. He also knows, naturally, that there’s a cloud of mixed signals around Liam, especially when it comes to Louis, because here he is taking his things out of Louis’ apartment and moving them back into his own, but here he is again with his arm draped over Louis’ waist and holding him close.

He just—he can’t let go, he doesn’t know how to end things. He doesn’t know how to tell Louis that he loves him but he wants so many things, so many things with Louis that Louis doesn’t want, and while he loves Louis, knows he’s worth it, he can’t give up on the other things he wants.

Talking to Louis about how he feels is the only thing that Liam is unsure of, so he doesn’t. He pushes what Zayn said to the back of his mind, saving that conversation for later.

~~

A week goes by before Liam decides to take something else and move it to his place.

Louis’ shift at the diner conflicts with Liam’s day off, which normally is a huge annoyance for both of them, because they enjoy their time together, they enjoy getting a break from work. But while Louis is at work, Liam’s at home trying to figure out what he can get away with taking, what little things he might have left behind.

Checking the closet, Liam finds his golf bag and golf clubs, things he hasn’t used in ages. He had convinced himself that he was interested in the sport, he had thought that maybe it would be relaxing, but really, he found that it was quite boring. So he thinks that he can take those, that Louis wouldn’t ever be able to notice that they’re missing.

It’s all shoved in the back corner of the closet, hidden behind some of Liam’s suit jackets. As he’s dragging it out of the closet, he spots a pair of green socks on the ground. He stares at them, because they’re a pair of his thicker ones, a pair that he lost possession of shortly after he started dating Louis.

The socks were like other couples giving away sweaters and t-shirts, merging of clothing and sharing closets, except Liam had given Louis the socks. It wasn’t meant as a romantic gesture, it was meant to keep Liam’s calves cold, because Louis has impossibly cold toes. They felt like little icebergs digging into his skin, so he crawled out of bed and tossed the first pair that he could find at Louis, and Louis, he loved them. He loved the gesture of them, and being able to have something of Liam’s.

Liam stares at the socks, picking them up and rubbing the fabric between his fingers.

The socks feel like a symbol, and he’s not even sure what kind, he just knows that if he takes them, takes one of the things that Louis has dubbed his own – even though they’re Liam’s – that he’ll never be able to take this all back, that it’s really the end.

He folds the socks together with care, bending the end of one over the other so they’re balled up, and then he shoves them in his golf bag, hides them between the clubs, worried that maybe even if Louis finds his stuff then he won’t search the bag, and he’ll never be able to recover the socks he took from Liam so long ago.

It takes him a minute of deep breaths before he’s able to haul the strap over his shoulder and carry the bag out to his car, snagging a couple of his sweaters on the way. He feels dirty as he throws it all in the backseat, like he’s cheating or something, like his belongings going somewhere else equals infidelity.

~~

Liam gets a break in the form of overtime a few days later. He and Harry have been working hard in the studio all day, but they have a deadline approaching, and Taylor’s album needs to get finished.

“Can we take a break?” Taylor asks, leaning against the wall and taking her headphones off. “I need some water.”

“Yeah,” Harry says, nodding. “I’ve got to piss and I need to talk to Zayn.” He mumbles the last part to Liam, shrugging before he stands up and heads off towards the bathrooms.

Liam hears Taylor sigh from inside the booth before she’s stepping out of it, smiling at him. “Who knew this song would be so difficult,” she says, shrugging.

“I think we’re almost finished with it,” Liam mutters, flipping a few switches before he stands, stretching out his limbs. He’s been sitting in the leather chair for ages and his spine feels stiff, tailbone aching from digging into the seat. “You sound great, though, if that makes you feel better.”

Taylor laughs under her breath, smiles at him and disappears from the room. Liam doesn’t blame her for not answering because he can only imagine how tired she is, she’s the one doing all the work, he’s just sitting behind a soundboard. There’s only so much he can do with her vocals when they’re not hitting the mark.

Liam’s in the back of the building, away from the room they’re recording in, and away from the bathrooms where he knows Harry is and where he saw Taylor going, getting himself a cup of coffee. He’s stirring in the sugars when the door opens behind him. He turns, expecting to see Taylor, but it’s Harry.

“I need to talk to you before we join Taylor,” he says, shoving his phone into his pocket.

“Yeah?” Liam asks, raising his eyebrow. And he’s expecting it to be about work, expecting to hear about how he thinks that they should wrap it up, because it’s been a long day, and it’s not worth the strain on Taylor to continue on into the night, even though they both know that Taylor can do it, she’s fully capable.

What he doesn’t expect, however, is to hear, “Zayn wanted me to tell you that you need to get your shirt together and talk to Louis, or at least to give him back his socks,” Harry says, his face confused, but Liam freezes. He stops stirring the sugar into his coffee and stares down at the brown liquid, licking his lips in worry, because surely that’s not all Zayn said. Surely Harry asked questions and it’s not—he shakes himself out of it, tossing the red straw in the trash and taking a drink of coffee, ignoring the way it burns his throat.

“Is everything all right?” Harry asks, looking at him curiously.

“Yeah,” Liam says, nodding, trying to smile. “It’s nothing.”

Harry nods his head slowly, rubbing at his jaw. “Liam, if you ever need to talk, you know that you can come to me, right?” He asks, looking at Liam sincerely.

He smiles back at him, because he knows that he can trust Harry, if it really got to that point, but he doesn’t want to trust him with this, because it’s gone on long enough, this feels like a sign. It feels like a sign that’s telling him he needs to get his shit together, and that he’s been dragging this out for too long. It doesn’t matter how much he loves Louis—well, it does, but he can’t keep letting it hold him back from the rest of his life.

It’s time to end things; it’s time to stop slowly ripping the bandage off and to just pull it, ending things completely.

“I know,” Liam says, smiling softly at Harry. “But it’s nothing I promise, I’ll take care of it tonight.”

“Take care of what?” Harry asks, frowning.

Liam shakes his head, draining the rest of his coffee before he tosses it in the trash. “We should get back to work if we want to get out of here any time tonight.”

Harry looks like he wants to say something, like he’s tempted to ask questions. He doesn’t and for that, Liam’s thankful.

~~

Louis is waiting for him when he gets home, sitting on the couch staring blankly at the turned off television, chewing on his fingernails. He’s deep in thought, almost to the point that he doesn’t hear Liam come in until the door is shutting behind him. He jumps, whipping around and looking at Liam, he doesn’t say anything, but he does try to smile, and Liam feels like he knows, like they’ve both come to the same conclusion about what’s going to happen tonight.

It doesn’t make him feel better.

“How did everything go at work?” Louis asks, eyes on Liam as he sets his things down on the little table.

“There’s still a lot that we need to get done, but we’re all kind of worn out. I don’t think I can listen to another person sing tonight,” he sighs, his lips curling into a smile as he sits down on the other end of the couch.

Louis nods his head and licks his lips, scratching at his jaw. “I stayed up because I wanted to talk to you about something, that’s all right.”

“Yeah, I’d say that’s all right.” He glances over to Louis to see that other boy’s brows are furrowed, bottom lip pinched between his teeth.

“You’ve been taking things,” Louis says carefully and Liam nods, because there’s no denying it, not at this point. “Well, I’m glad that I wasn’t imagining that, but I can’t say that I’m happy about it.”

“What did you want to ask me?”

Louis looks at him and sighs. “Why?”

Liam nods, because it’s a fair question, one that he expected Louis to ask a long time ago, when he first noticed, and when he tried asking about it before. And Liam has to think about it, has to chew on his answer and try to find the explanation inside of him, and he really doesn’t have one, at least not one that could comfort Louis like he wants.

“Are you, um,” Liam pauses, clearing his throat. “Do you think that you’ll ever want more from me?”

“More?” Louis asks, frowning. “What does that even mean?”

“Are you ever going to want to marry me?” Liam asks, releasing a deep breath, his shoulders sagging and lungs deflating as he says it, something inside of him coming undone, the tension releasing.

Louis stares at him, frozen and confused. “Is that why you’ve been taking your things?” He says, and Liam can tell as he says it that he knows the answer, knows where this is going.

“I just.” Liam sighs, feeling like an ass now that he’s here, but he wants it. He’s wants the family and the commitment, and it’s not fair to want Louis just as much.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because I want more, Louis.”

“More than me?” Louis asks, his voice cracking.

“Yeah. Yeah, I think so.”

Louis nods, licking his lips as he places his hands on his lap, folding in on himself.

“I love you,” Liam clarifies. “But I’ll never stop wanting the other things, and it’s not fair. It’s not fair to me to give up on that, and it’s not fair to you that I’m waiting for you to want it all.”

Louis nods again, turning away from Liam, staring down at his hands in his lap.

“Are you ever going to want these things?” Liam asks. “And I’m not asking about now, or tomorrow, or a year from now, but. Eventually, would you want to be married to me? Have a family with me?”

“I just want you,” Louis mutters. “That’s it.”

“But haven’t you ever thought about it? What it’d be like to have what Harry and Zayn have?”

“They’re not married,” Louis says, glancing back up at Liam.

“No, but they have Niall. They’re a family.”

“Families exist without children.”

“Yeah, they do.”

“And sometimes it’s not because they don’t want kids, it’s because they can’t have them, Liam. They can’t have them but they love each other, so they make it work,” Louis states, picking at his nails, his knees vibrating.

Liam nods. “Yeah, I guess they do, but I shouldn’t have to change what it is I want.”

“And neither should I.”

“No, you shouldn’t. That’s why. That’s why this is easier to do this. It’s better than waiting until things get to the place where we can’t change it.”

Louis releases a deep breath, turning back to look at his lap. He looks sad, and Liam aches with the knowledge that it’s his fault. That he tore the band-aid off too slowly, making things worse, hurting Louis in ways far deeper than he ever intended. 

~~

The first time Liam sees Louis is when he pops into the diner that people at work have been raving about. He’s on his lunch break, anxiously excited to try the food that he’s heard so much about.

The food, as it turns out, is surprisingly mediocre, but one glance at the boy behind the counter, black hair and tan skin, Liam understands why his co-workers rave about the place. The guy is cute, but when he goes to pay, he catches a glance through the back, through a little hole in the wall and sees the cook.

Later he knows that Louis will tell him about their senior prom, how Louis had gone home and talked to Zayn about how attractive Liam was, but this is the first time that Liam ever lays his own eyes on the other boy, and it feels like all that shit you hear about in the movies, like time stops and his world shifts, just a bit, falling into place.

He goes everyday, unable to forget the image of the brown-haired boy, and wanting to see him again and again until finally Zayn pulls him out from the back introduces them. Apparently Liam isn’t very subtle and it’s the start of it all.

The start of _LouisandLiam._

The start of Liam loving someone more than he ever thought possible, as cliché as it sounds.

Liam remembers that day, the way Louis’ eyes sparkled, how his mouth curved into a smile. He remembers the feel of Louis’ palm sliding into his after they did their introductions, the way he ran a nervous hand through his hair, greasing it with the grease from the kitchen, the residue still on his fingers. He remembers it all, from the oil stains on Louis’ work pants to the way his mouth moved as it formed words.

The only thing that’s changed about the memories is the air of sadness embedded in them with Liam’s broken heart.

~~

Life, as it turns out, doesn’t improve after he breaks up with Louis. He doesn’t get everything he ever hoped for. Instead, Liam is constantly in a state of limbo, some place between wanting to say fuck it and run back to Louis and telling himself that it’ll get better.

He calls work and tells them that he can’t make it, says he’ll work from home, if it’s all right, and then he shuts his phone off, locking himself in his apartment for his time of mourning.

~~

Liam doesn’t go back to work until a week later, maybe it’s more. He can’t really remember the last time he stepped foot inside this building, or he can, actually, but he’s been trying to forget about it. Trying to forget about the night that he broke up with Louis.

He knows that they’re recording with Taylor today, figures that it’s time he crawl out of his hole and do his job, instead of leaving it all up to Harry, screening his advice through their boss.

When he shoves the door of the studio open, he finds Zayn and Harry wrapped in an embrace, kissing, and Liam can hardly stop the “oh” that falls from his lips, stumbling out of his mouth without his permission. He hadn’t been expecting Zayn. Harry, yes. But not Zayn.

They pull away at the sound of his voice, turning to look at him and Zayn’s eyes narrow. Liam feels his skin itch. “Oh…Oh,” he says again, stupidly. “I brought you coffee, Harry.” He hands one of the cups over, aware of the way Zayn’s eyes are following him. “Um…hi.”

“I’ll just go and join Taylor,” Harry mutters, eyeing them carefully before he brushes past Harry into the booth. Liam had almost forgotten about Taylor, almost forgot why he was even here.

Liam waits until he hears the sound of the door click shut before he releases a deep breath. “So you found me, I guess. The walls are sound proof if you want to yell at me,” he adds as an afterthought, knowing how fiercely protective Zayn is as a friend, not as much as Louis is, but enough. He learned from the best, after all.

Zayn looks at him, his eyes scanning from his feet up to his hair and back down again, doing it over and over again like he’s memorizing the details, filing them away.

“I’m not going to yell at you. I should, but I’m not going to,” Zayn says and Liam frowns. “But I do want to talk to you.”

“Right, well. Go ahead and ask me,” Liam mutters, because like the conversation with Louis, he knows what this one is about as well, can almost see it play out in his head perfectly.

“Why’d you do it?”

“You already know why,” Liam mumbles, breathing out a sigh. “I know that Louis talked to you about it. I don’t have any special, hidden secrets about what happened.”

“I think you do,” Zayn says. “I think a lot more went on then you and Louis care to share. I don’t know what happened. It might not be any of my business, but it’s been weeks and my best friend won’t stop crying. He can’t even go home. He’s sleeping in Harry’s guest bedroom, and I don’t know what happened besides you giving up.”

“Is he? I mean—is Louis okay?” Liam asks, chewing on his bottom lip.

“No, he’s not,” Zayn says. “You broke his heart. He thought that everything was going to be okay and you drug it out for so long. You spent months fighting with him and then you just disappeared and took everything. You just left him like he never mattered to you.”

“He matters,” Liam says. “Don’t—don’t tell me that he never mattered to me. You know that’s a lie, because Louis is everything.”

“If he’s everything why would you leave him?”

“We want different things. I don’t want just Louis. I want a family with Louis and a promise that we’ll always be together, and I want everyone to see us make that promise. I wanted everything with him, and he didn’t want any of that. It’ll never work out in the end if we can’t compromise or at least agree on a future,” Liam says, growing frustrated.

He’s tired of talking about it. He’s tired of explaining it. He’s tired of justifying it to everyone, including himself. It’s not unheard of, and Liam shouldn’t be forced to manipulate his future to what someone else wants, ignoring everything he’s ever sought after. He shouldn’t have to do that. It shouldn’t just be him being required to compromise.

“You could have found a compromise. You broke his fucking heart, Liam.”

“He’s not the only one that’s going through a rough time,” Liam says, staring at the ground, his head hung low.

“Liam, if you’re not happy then why don’t you fix this? You’re the only thing, the only person in the entire world that Louis wants, and if you’re going through just as much as he is then I think you need him back as badly as he wants you back.”

“I can’t. I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I just—can’t. It’s not that easy. I love Louis and I always will, but sometimes love isn’t enough,” Liam says sadly. “I’m sorry for how it all played out. I tried to make it easy, but it just got so hard. I’m sorry for breaking your best friend’s heart.”

“Oh, Liam,” Zayn says with a sigh, stepping forward and wrapping his arms around the other boy. “Don’t be sorry. I just hate seeing him so upset, and not knowing how to fix it. Louis is my best friend, but you’re a friend too. I’m sorry for not thinking that you’d be upset about this.”

“It’s all right,” Liam says, wrapping his own arms around Zayn. “I really missed you, and Harry, and Niall. I wanted to see you guys but I knew that Louis would be around, and I don’t want to make anything harder so I kind of went in hiding for a little while.”

Zayn hugs Liam tighter, and Liam relishes in the contact, knowing that he hasn’t had any in ages. It feels nice. It loosens the knot in his chest, his shoulders relaxing just so. Everything feels a little bit better, knowing that he has someone, even if it’s just for now.

Liam pulls away from Zayn, smiling at him before he takes a sip of his coffee, needing to do something before his emotions get the best of him.

Zayn smiles at him, squeezing his bicep as he casts his eyes over towards the recording booth. He frowns, his eyebrows pulling together and Liam follows his gaze, watching as Harry and Taylor talk, closer than strictly necessary. Taylor points towards a sheet of paper on the stand and drapes herself over his shoulders, running one of her hands up and down his back while the other wraps across his chest. And all Liam can think is no no no no no, because Zayn’s here, and while, both he and Harry understand Taylor has a penchant for physical contact, Zayn doesn’t.

“What, what, what the hell is that?” Zayn asks, pointing towards the recording booth.

“Taylor does that to everyone,” Liam clarifies, hoping that it’ll ease the line of Zayn’s shoulders, the growing tension in his jaw muscles.

“I don’t care,” Zayn says stepping forward and scanning the buttons laid out in front of him.

“What are you doing?” Liam asks.

“Isn’t there a little button on this stupid thing where they can hear us and we can hear them?” Zayn asks, pressing at random buttons.

“Zayn, stop you’re going to mess things up. Stop, Zayn, stop. It's this one,” Liam says, pointing towards a little orange button on the edge.

Zayn presses the button and they of Harry’s voice fills the room, giving Zayn access to speak to Harry.

“Um, excuse me,” Zayn says, raising his eyebrows and looking at the pair of them. “Yeah…that’s not, um, Harry come out here, please. Now.”

Zayn releases the button and waits for Harry to come out and Liam steps back, closer to the corner of the room, wanting to tuck himself away while the pair of them talk.

“Is everything okay?” Harry asks, stepping out of the booth, and closing the door behind him.

“No, no. Um, no everything is not okay, it’s not okay at all.”

“What’s wrong?” Harry asks.

“That girl had her hands all over you and you just stood there. I’m right out here. I can see with my eyes what was going on in there.”

“Zayn, she’s a client. I can’t yell at her. I told you she’s harmless. She’s just friendly. I promise it’s nothing.”

“I don’t care if she’s a client or a world leader or some—just I don’t care, but I don’t want her hands all over you like that. You just let her sit in there and let her put her hands on you. I don’t—I don’t like it,” Zayn grits out, dropping his fists down to his sides.

“Okay,” Harry says, holding his hands in the air. “I’m sorry. I should have known you’d be uncomfortable with it even if you were not here. I’ll let her know next to time that it’s crossing a line, okay?”

“Okay, good,” Zayn says.

“Did everything go okay with you and Liam?” Harry asks, sharing a look with Liam and Zayn both and Liam turns his attention back to them, no longer needing to pretend like he was checking the quality of the paint on the walls. “Are you two okay?”

Liam shrugs his shoulders, turning to look at Zayn, his eyebrow raised.

“Yeah, we’re good,” Zayn says and Liam smiles, releasing a deep breath.

~~

Liam’s phone buzzes a few nights later, when he’s sitting in his kitchen and finishing his dinner, a lonely meal for one. He stands up slowly, dragging his knuckles along the table as he goes to get it. It’s vibrating incessantly on the counter, shifting slightly with the force of it, like the texts are coming in faster than his phone can handle, faster than they should be.

He feels his breath hitch when he reads Louis’ name, gripping the counter as he unlocks his phone to read them, thumbing up to the top.

 _Relly mad,_ is what the first one says. And Liam licks his lips, because of course he is.

_yuo don't carree_

_im gnig to call ko?_

There’s more, quite a few, but Liam’s phone starts vibrating in his hand, a picture of Louis grinning at him popping up on the screen, the texts disappearing. He waits a minute, runs a nervous hand through his hair before he presses accept.

“Hello?”

He hears Louis sigh and then, “I’m really mad.”

“Louis?”

“I’m really mad.”

“I know you are.”

“Good,” Louis huffs, and then there’s a loud noise in Liam’s ear, and Louis’ groaning, moaning like he’s in pain.

“Lou, are you all right?” Liam asks, gripping onto the phone, chest tight.

“Fell over,” Louis groans, sounding like his jaw is clenched. “Fucking Harry’s boots. Fuck his boots.”

Harry’s boots, thinks Liam, wondering why Louis is near-- “What are you doing at Harry’s?” Liam asks, frowning.

It’s quiet for a second, and Louis is sighing and saying, “Don’t wanna go home.”

Liam releases a shaky breath, nodding. He wishes that he hadn’t answered the phone, that he didn’t have to hear Louis’ slurred speech. And he knows that he shouldn’t have answered the phone. He should have kept eating his dinner, ignore the call and continue on with his life.

And he wishes now that he wouldn’t have, now that Louis is screaming in his ear. It startles Liam, the harshness in Louis’ tone, so unlike what he just heard in his ear only moments ago. He’s yelling about his broken heart, the hole in his chest, and Liam doesn’t interrupt him, just let’s Louis get it out of his system.

Liam can’t find it in himself to hang up, to shut his phone off and block Louis out for good. This isn’t healthy, and it’s not what he wanted when he walked out. And realistically, he knows that he broke Louis, that he hurt him, and that he deserves to listen to this, especially with how understanding Louis had been up until this point.

“I want my socks back,” Louis says suddenly, a little hiccup to his voice.

“Louis, you should go lie down.”

“No. I want my socks. You took them.”

“Louis.”

“No,” Louis says, defiant. “Fuck, I have to go.”

Liam hears a shuffle, and the clinking of glass before the call actually ends, Louis ignoring the calls of his name.

Liam waits five minutes, enough time to convince himself that he’s really not leaving to take care of Louis. Enough time to convince himself that he’s not going to get into his car and drive to Harry’s house to check and make sure that Louis hasn’t hurt himself, or passed out drink in his pool.

But he’s never really been good at convincing himself of anything, which is why barely twenty minutes later, a few traffic laws broken later, he finds himself pulling his car into Harry’s driveway. All of the lights are on, but the front door is closed, and that loosens a bit of the knot in his chest.

Pushing open the front door, Liam nearly hits on of Harry’s cats with the door. He can’t remember if it’s Cat or Kitty, and he doesn’t really care. He cares about the brown-haired boy he finds lounging on Harry’s kitchen floor, back propped up against the counter.

“How did you get in?” Louis asks, hiccupping.

“You left the door unlocked,” Liam comments, grabbing the empty bottle out of Louis’ hand and setting it down in the sink. He can smell the alcohol on Louis, the pungent smell violating his senses as he stares down at Liam, watching him nod, his eyes closed.

“I didn’t think you’d break in.”

“Better me than someone else.” 

“Better everyone else than you,” Louis retorts.

“Right,” Liam mutters, scratching at the side of his nose. “Let’s get you to bed, Lou.”

“I don’t want to,” he says, turning his head so that his cheek is pressed into the counter and closing his eyes pointedly. “Sleep here.”

Liam sighs, grabbing Louis round the waist and hoisting him up, trying not to pay attention to feel of Louis pressed against his body as they move through the house, up the stairs and into the guest bedroom where Louis’ clothes are littering the floor. Louis is making it impossible to carry him, he’s made his body go limp and he’s digging his boney fingers into Liam’s ribs, a defiant pout on his face.

“Where are my socks?” Louis asks when Liam dumps him on the bed, tugging off his shoes.

“They’re on your feet, love.”

“Not those,” Louis groans, wiggling his foot out of Liam’s hands. “The ones you took.”

“You need some water,” Liam says, gripping at Louis’ ankle so he can tug off his other shoe.

“I don’t. Need my socks,” Louis mumbles, pulling away from Liam and curling up underneath the blankets, clutching one of the pillows close to his chest.

“I’ll be right back,” Liam mutters, patting Louis’ leg.

“Still love you,” Louis says, quiet and private, like he doesn’t mean for Liam to hear it.

And it knocks the air out of Liam’s lungs, like a cold breeze on a winter morning, leaving him breathless.

~~

It’s a day later that Liam finally wonders if he made the right decision, and he’s not sure what makes him think that.

He and Louis have hope of getting anywhere, at least not a place where they’re happy, where they can find it in themselves to get rid of the desires and dreams for their lives and just be happy together.

Liam could be happy with Louis, but he’s always be wanting a little more, a little bit of something that Louis can’t offer him. And that’s not fair, that’s not something you should settle for, being happy but wishing for a bit more. It’s not what Liam wants for himself, and it’s not what he wants for Louis.

So he regrets his decision today, spends his day wrapped in his duvet and wishing that he could change his life. But that’s just today. It’ll get better…it always does, or so he’s heard.

~~

The first mistake made on Liam’s part is when three days have gone by and Liam’s still not feeling like he made the right choice. And after a little whiskey, he thinks that maybe he just doesn’t have closure. He read about it online, closure. He read that it’s something people need something, like, that it can help him feel like his relationship with Louis is resolved and he won’t try holding on anymore.

He thinks it’s a load of shit, but two more glasses of whiskey and he’s feeling brave enough to dial Louis’ phone number, holding his phone against his ear with shaky hands.

Louis doesn’t answer, not that Liam expected him to. He had hoped, but he should have known better. And as he’s pouring himself another glass, his phone rings, Louis’ name on the screen.

“Hey,” he breathes, capping the bottle.

“Did, um. Did you call me?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I did.”

“Why?”

Liam swallows, licking his lips. “I just, wanted to talk. I guess. Are you, um.”

“Are you really going to ask me if I’m okay?”

“No. Right. That’s dumb, sorry.”

“Why did you call, Liam?” Louis asks, his voice quiet, like he’s exhausted and Liam feels badly instantly.

“I just wanted to talk. I’m, uh. It’s hard for me to like, put it in words.”

“Can you at least try?”

“Have you ever heard of closure?” Liam asks, frowning at his empty glass of whiskey, spinning it around slowly, watching the last bit of alcohol swirl around.

“Closure?”

“Yeah, I read about it. It’s like, this thing, right? Sometimes people need it after a break up,” Liam explains, setting the glass down. “It’s like, the two people in the relationship talk after the break up, to resolve things. Especially if the break wasn’t clean. Or like, if you didn’t talk properly then. Or like, if you still have things you need to say to them.”

Liam hears Louis take a deep breath and then he’s silent for a minute, mulling it over. “Are you not finished talking to me, Liam?”

“I don’t know,” Liam admits, because he can’t tell him that he’s not sure he made the right choice. That’s not fair to Louis, and it wouldn’t be fair if Liam were to push all that confusion on him. “I just think we didn’t really talk about like, what this break up means. Not properly, anyway.”

“What is there to talk about that wasn’t said?” Louis asks, sighing. “It’s like you said, there are so many things that you want, a family, marriage, the whole nine yards. But that’s just not something that I can give you. It's not something that I want. I’m content with just you, and I’ve thought about it. And as much as I don’t like, because fuck, who enjoys this?”

Liam shakes his head, muttering quietly, “not me.”

“But like, I’ve thought about it, and it’s not fair, to anyone. People in relationships should be on the same page, not fighting to stay in the chapter, you know?”

Liam sighs, because Louis is right, and he knew it all along. It’s the reason he went through with the break up in the first place, and Louis is just reciting his reasoning back to him a little differently, in a way that’s a little more Louis.

“Do you think that we’ll ever be able to be friends after this?” Liam asks, because it’s something that’s been eating at him for a while, if this break up means the end of their relationship or the end of Louis in his life period.

“I don’t think I can have you in my life and just be your friend, Li.”

Liam nods, because “Yeah, me either.”

~~

Wrapping up Taylor’s album comes as a huge relief to Liam, for many different reasons, but it also comes as a burden. He no longer has a reason to stay at work late, to wrap himself up in it completely so that he can’t get lost in his own head. And Liam did, he let his work consume him, taking on twice as much of the workload than he needed too, especially considering the number of people that work at the label, and that Harry was there as well, wanting to work just as hard.

They throw a party, something that’s not unheard of for his place of employment. They have one every week, get-togethers to reinforce employee relationships, optional, of course, and Liam frequented until he broke up with Lou—

He’s not going to think about. He shakes his head, lifting up his glass to take a drink, reminding himself that he’s here to celebrate. He’s here to acknowledge Taylor’s accomplishment of finishing here next album. He’s here to-

“You look thrilled to be here.”

Liam glances up and sees Zayn grinning at him as he takes a seat.

“Should have known that Harry would bring you,” Liam says. “And I am thrilled, but I came with Nick and Ed, and both of them were drinking before we got here, and were getting handsy in the backseat of my car,” Liam clarifies, taking another sip of his drink.

“Well, good thing you’re so good at dealing with drunk people,” Zayn says, smiling.

“What are you talking about?” Liam asks, trying to act like he doesn’t know, like Louis would ever keep quiet about Liam showing up to Harry’s place the night that Louis got drunk.

“I brought drinks,” Harry interrupts, handing Zayn a beer and settling into the chair on the other side of Zayn, wrapping his arm around the back of Zayn’s chair, smiling at Liam. “Hey, Li.”

Liam nods, turning away from them to watch the people in attendance, not wanting to be subjected to their loving relationship.

~~

The night seems to be dragging in Liam’s opinion. And he’s not sure if it’s actual time, or if it’s just because he’s tired of watching Zayn and Harry, the two of them in a blissful state of loved up happiness on the opposite of the table. Or, if time is moving slower because of the alcohol that’s coursing through his blood. And he really should slow it down, but he doesn’t really care, if he’s being honest.

“Go,” he hears Zayn say, smiling at Harry.

“What?” Harry says back, turning to look at him. “Go where?”

“Go over there and talk to Nick, you’ve been staring at him for the last five minutes. Go. I’ll be here with Liam.”

Harry bites his lips, looking back over towards Nick before looking at Zayn again. “Are you sure?”

Zayn rolls his eyes. “Positive. Nick and I still don’t have anything to talk about, and just because we came together doesn’t mean we need to stay together. I’ll see you tonight, and every day after that so just go, besides someone needs to stop Liam from making that pathetic little puppy face he was doing before I sat over here.”

This time it’s Liam’s turn to roll his eyes, taking another sip of his drink.

Harry smiles, leaning forward to brush his lips against Zayn’s. “Love you,” he says before making his way across the room. Zayn watches him go, shaking his head at him, and Liam shakes his head at Zayn.

“Looks like you two are doing good. Although, I shouldn’t be surprised, Harry talks about you every day, and Niall…and Louis,” Liam says after a moment.

“Yeah, we are,” Zayn says, studying Liam carefully. “How are you doing?”

“Why do you ask?”

“It’s usually a question someone asks when talking to another person, it’s pretty common I’d say. I think it probably started decades ago, but if you’re asking why I want to know, personally, it’s because you look like someone hasn’t asked you that in weeks, probably months.”

“I’m fine,” Liam says. “I’d rather not be here, to be honest with you. Parties were never really my scene. I only ever went to them because Louis loved them so much, kind of like how you’re only here because Harry loves these kinds of things and he avoids going to them because you don’t like them.”

“I don’t tell Harry that he can’t go out,” Zayn says, frowning.

“I didn’t say you did, but Zayn, come on, these parties happen every week. Every week people get together in order to drink and do whatever this is. I only came this week because it’s Taylor who’s throwing it, and she’s someone I’m directly working with, just like I’d come if Harry threw one. Probably not for Ed or Nick, but they wouldn’t miss me.”

“Harry never said these happened every week.”

“Every week people try and convince him to go but instead he goes home with you and spends time with you and Niall, which is fine. I’m only saying that maybe you should try and compromise with him more often, believe me every relationship needs compromise.”

Zayn frowns, turning away from Liam to glance over in Harry’s direction, he’s over on the other side of the room, bouncing around with Nick on the dance floor. Taylor is behind them, her arms draped around Ed as they sway to the music. Everyone looks happy and Liam’s mouth tastes bitter watching them. Watching the look he put on Zayn’s face, but for some reason, he can’t stop. And he’s not sure that he’d want to.

“I’ve never told him that he couldn’t go,” Zayn says. “I didn’t even know that this happened that often. He never said anything.”

“Maybe he didn’t want to make you mad or want you think that he didn’t want to be around you. Or maybe he didn’t want you to get suspicious that he’s out with Nick, Ed and Taylor every weekend.”

“How much have you had to drink?” Zayn asks, turning to look at Liam with a glare.

Liam shrugs, gesturing towards the empty glasses that are littering the table. “More than enough.”

“I can tell,” Zayn says, folding his arms over his chest.

Liam swallows, something heavy settling deep in his gut. He takes another drink of the alcohol in his glass, even though this conversation should be a giant neon sign telling him ‘stop drinking’.

They sit in silence after that, Zayn’s eyes on his boyfriend, and Liam’s eyes on Zayn, wishing that he was capable of mumbling out an apology. He is, he knows that he is, but his tongue feels heavy with it. Like the words are too stubborn to escape. Or maybe Liam’s just too stubborn.

It’s fifteen minutes of silence until Harry comes back, cheeks flushes and happy, holding his arms out for Zayn.

Liam watches Harry drag Zayn out onto the area set aside for dancing, and he swallows something bitter, something that tastes an awful lot like jealousy, drowning it out with the taste of alcohol.

~~

Liam wakes up to a hangover and a stomach filled with regret. He has a vague notion of what happened. After he empties his stomach, he rests his head against the wall and breathes, flashes of his conversations with Zayn coming at him. Bits and pieces of the horrible things that the said making his stomach churn.

He feels awful. He feels like a simple sorry won’t be able to cover it. Liam will have to hire a plane, get it to drag a banner behind it, one that says how sorry he is, and another plane so that banner can hope Zayn will forgive him.

Liam feels truly and utterly terrible about what he did to Zayn, and because of how much alcohol he drank. But he has far too much pride, and apologizing to Zayn means that he’ll have to explain himself, explain that he’s really not doing so well, and he doesn’t want that.

So Liam gets up off his bathroom floor and goes to bed, throwing the duvet over his head and hoping that he’ll wake up later feeling better.

~~

When Liam wakes up a few hours later, still hung over, but feeling like he can do more besides moan about how awful he feels, he gets out of bed and makes himself something to eat.

It’s greasy and sloppy, but Liam’s stomach seems to appreciate it. It’s exactly what he needs, besides a tall glass of water and a couple pills to help the headache.

While he eats, he thinks about the night before. The flashes of memory no longer just tiny glimpses, but the full picture, like a movie in his mind replaying it all for him. The bitter jealousy, the hostile words, and the drinking, all of it leaving a nasty taste in his mouth, because how could he do that? How could he treat someone he calls his friend so poorly?

Liam knows how, obviously. But it’s not him. And he doesn’t like it. He wants to apologize but he doesn’t know what to say.

Sorry for treating you so horribly, I broke my own heart and I hate seeing how happy you are. How in love you are. It reminds me of what I once had, what I wish I had still.

Liam can’t. He doesn’t want to say all that, not to Zayn. Zayn’s Louis’ friend first, and that’s fine. And he doesn’t want to tell Harry, because Harry, because it’s not fair to make Harry feel like he has to keep something from his boyfriend, because he will. He’ll hide it from Zayn if Liam really wants him too, but Liam has caused enough damage.

So matter how awful he feels, Liam swallows it all down. He knows that he’ll figure it out. He’ll find the right time to fix things with Zayn, to let him know how truly sorry he is.

But the events of last night, what they’ve really done - besides leaving a sour taste in his mouth - is tell him that he needs to make a change. He needs to stop wallowing, and he needs to get his shit together. He made the decision to ends things, and he needs to get his life back on track.

He thinks about it, mulling it over. And he thinks he can start some place small, like buying some new clothes. Just something to make him feel a little better, something that makes him feel like a person again.

As he looks at himself in the mirror, he considers the idea of facial hair, tossing out his usual clean shaven look and adopting one with a little bit of stubble. He’ll never be able to grow a proper beard, not like Zayn, but he can start somewhere.

But the first step, Liam decides, is falling back into a routine, and he’s going to start with a run, something to make him feel better from not only his hangover but also from his actions towards Zayn.

~~

Liam gets a call from Zayn, asking him if he’d be willing to watch Niall. It comes roughly a week after Liam was an ass to him. He can’t really remember. Maybe it was a few days, he doesn’t know. He’s trying to forget it, to put it all behind him. 

“So can you?” Zayn asks, and Liam nods, forgetting that Zayn can’t see him.

“Yeah, of course.”

“All right, thanks. I just, don’t really have anyone, and I’d realized it’s been a while since you’ve seen him.”

“Yeah, no. I’d love to watch him. For how long?”

“Overnight,” Zayn says, pausing for a second to sigh. “I thought about what you said, like, how Harry wants to go out. How he’s a social person, and like, how going out is something that he needs, in a way.”

“Zayn, I didn’t mean any of that.”

“No, it’s all right,” Zayn assures him. “Honestly, I thought about it, and like, I get it. So him, Louis and me are all going to go out tonight. He stays in for me, so. I have to do this for him.”

“I’m still sorry. Um, like, about what I said. It really wasn’t cool. At all.”

“Liam, it’s fine. Really. You were an ass, and I kind of wanted to knock your teeth in,” Zayn says, laughing. “No, I’m kidding. About the part about wanting to hit you, not about you being an ass. You were an ass.”

“Yeah, I know,” Liam says, sighing.

“But I got it. I know that I’d be a prick if Harry and I broke up. If I was trying to deal with a broken heart alone.”

“It’s still not an excuse.”

“No, it’s not. But I get it,” Zayn assures him and Liam feels a little better. Less like he ruined something with more than just Louis. “Anyway, I’ll see you later. We’re at Harry’s house, so come here.”

“Yes, see you, Zayn.”

~~

Liam shows up to Harry’s place a little bit earlier than he intended, but instead of waiting out in the car, he braves it, remembering that it’s easier to rip the band-aid off quickly instead of slowly. Meaning that he doesn’t give himself time to think about, just gets out of the car, walks to the door, knocks, and waits. He doesn’t give himself a moment to remember that he’s going to be seeing Louis for the first time since their conversation.

“You look different,” Zayn says, after Liam’s in the house, as he follows him into the other room. “It looks you’re following in my footsteps with that beard of yours.”

“Oh. Yeah,” Liam says, brushing his hands across his jaw line. “I just wanted to do something new.”

Zayn nods. “It looks good on you.” Liam smiles and mutters a quiet ‘thanks’. “Niall is still taking his nap. We went out early this morning, and then did lunch, so he was laid down later than normal. He should probably be awake soon. Lately his naps have been either a few hours or not even close to an hour. It looks like this one is going to be long. He doesn’t know that you’re coming, I wanted it to be a surprise.”

“That’s fine, I don’t mind waiting,” Liam says, because it’s true. He’s missed just being around people, especially the ones that he cares about. “And I’m happy to see him,” he adds, because he feels like it’s important to say. “I’ve missed him. I wish that I could come by more frequently, but with everything that’s happened, I’m sure that it’s the right time for that.”

Zayn nods, and opens his mouth to respond, but someone is there, someone cutting him off. It’s Louis, and he’s saying, “Hello, Liam.” He enters the room, taking what appears like the long way to get to the couch, passing directly in front of Zayn and Liam. “What do you mean that now isn’t a good time to see Niall? What’s stopping you?”

“I didn’t think it would be best after what happened,” Liam says, honest, shrugging his shoulders. “I didn’t want to complicate anything for anyone.” He leaves out the for you, and the part where he reminds Louis of their conversation. That’s not necessary and Louis’ shackles are raised, he can tell.

“So you blame me?”

“Louis,” Zayn warns, turning away from Liam and Liam takes the opportunity to take a deep breath, to glance away from his ex-boyfriend and to take in the pictures Harry has on the walls, the ones of Zayn and Niall, the three of them together, of their little family.

“Liam, you’re here.”

It’s Harry and he’s smiling at Liam like he’s genuinely happy to see him. Liam nods, because talking seems to set Louis off, and that’s not why he’s here. He’s not here to make things complicated. He’s here because Zayn asked him to be, asked him to take Niall for the night.

“Are you ready to go?” Harry asks, reaching out to put his arm around Zayn.

Zayn opens his mouth to answer but is interrupted by Louis. “I am. It’s been absolutely pleasant and lovely here, but we should get going. We’re losing time,” Louis says, nodding.

“I don’t want to leave while Niall is still sleeping,” Zayn says in response, biting his lip

“That’s cool,” Harry says, shrugging his shoulders. “We’ll wait until he wakes up. No big deal.”

“I really want to go out now,” Louis says, still looking at Zayn. “Niall will be fine.”

“Louis, stop. We don’t need to leave just yet, it’s okay,” Harry says, squeezing Zayn’s thigh.

Zayn nods and says, “You two could leave now and then I’ll meet up with you later once he’s awake. Liam can drop me off wherever you both are on his way to taking Niall back to his place.”

“Perfect, let me just put some shoes on and we can go. Harry, get your shoes on, we’re leaving,” Louis says, standing up from the couch and making his way towards the door.

Louis’ eyes follow him, watching as he stomps off, fingers twitching at his sides. He watches Louis for a moment, but turns in time to see Harry brushing past him. He stops to put on his boots and says, “Are you sure this is okay?” It’s to Zayn, not to him, so Liam stays quiet.

“Yeah, of course. You both want to get out of here, and I’ll be there shortly. I just want to make sure Niall knows what’s going on so he doesn’t cause any problems for Liam. It’s better for me to show up later rather than leaving early or in the middle of it, yeah?”

“If that’s what you want to do then that’s fine with me,” Harry says, entering back into the living room, bending over the couch to kiss Zayn. “I’ll see you soon.”

Liam looks back to see Louis still standing there, hesitating but he smiles at the two of them. And Liam, against his better judgment, says, “Louis.” He doesn’t know what he’s doing, but this feels important. He gets up and walks towards Louis. “I don’t blame you. You asked if I blame you, but I don’t. I just wanted you to know that.”

Louis looks at him for a moment, his expression unreadable. They stare at each other, but then Louis is turning to leave, shutting the front door behind him. Liam releases a deep breath, running his fingers through his hair, because he’s trying. And he knows that Zayn is watching him, probably waiting for him to break. So he says, “I dated him for longer than I’ve ever been with anyone in my entire life, I’ve slept with him, and loved him but I can barely say a sentence to him. Funny how life works out.”

“I’d say it’s a little more sad than funny,” Zayn says, smiling sadly at Liam as he sits back down next to him.

They just sit there, the pair of them perfectly content to just be next to each other. Liam lost in his thoughts of Louis, and Zayn giving him the time he needs to process it all.

Eventually though, about an hour and a half later, they hear a sleepy shout of ‘Baba’ coming from the top of the stairs, altering them both that Niall has woke up. Zayn jumps up quickly, rushing off to get him.

When they come back, Niall’s muttering something about not being tired. Liam smiles at him.

“Hey, Ni.”

Niall looks at him for a moment, studying every inch of Liam carefully. It’s has been a while since Niall has seen him, and he seems to be hesitating on how he should respond.

“You’re going to spend the night with Uncle Liam tonight. Daddy and Baba are going out so we won’t see you until after you wake up from sleeping tonight. Liam will bring you home,” Zayn explains.

Niall’s still looking at Liam, analyzing him carefully before he says, “Baba phone.”

“You want my phone?” Zayn asks, setting Niall down on the ground so he can pull his phone out of his pocket.

“Picture,” Niall says.

“Which one?”

“Ice cream.”

Zayn nods his head, seemingly understanding what Niall’s talking about, leaving Liam clueless. Eventually though, a few seconds later, Zayn’s passing the phone to Niall who shoves it in Liam’s face, showing him the image of a ceramic ice cream sundae.

“Did you make this?” Liam asks, kneeling down on the ground so he can see the image properly, finally realizing that it’s an ice cream bank for loose change. “It’s beautiful.”

“Niall paint,” Niall says.

“It’s beautiful. I love it. And nothing could be better than putting your money in a ceramic sundae, right?” Niall nods his head. “Who is this for?” Liam asks, turning his gaze away from the phone to look at Niall.

“Li and Uncle Lou,” Niall says, smiling at Liam.

Liam stares at the picture on Zayn’s phone for a minute before he nods his head and smiles at Niall. “It’s great. It goes perfectly with all of our things.”

“We should probably leave,” Zayn says, watching Liam carefully.

“Niall, can you go and get your little book bag that’s in the kitchen? I put your lion blanket and stuffed animals in there.” Niall nods and runs into the other room. “Shit, I’m sorry,” Zayn says, taking his phone back from Liam. “I didn’t think he’d bring that up. I didn’t even think. He doesn’t understand break ups.”

“Zayn it’s fine,” Liam says, shaking his head and waving Zayn off. “I’ll go out and start my car, you take your time getting Niall ready, okay?” He smiles, because it really is fine. It’s just…he just needs a moment is all. It feels like a lot after seeing Louis again.

~~

Liam pulls up outside the bar, putting the car into park and smiling at Zayn. “This is your stop.”

“I guess it is,” Zayn says, sighing. “God, places like this really aren’t my thing.”

“Yeah, but Harry’s your thing.”

“That he is,” Zayn says, grinning. He undoes his seatbelt and takes another deep breath. “All right, well. Let me say goodbye to my boy.”

Liam watches through the mirror as Zayn opens the door of the backseat and presses a kiss to Niall’s head, explaining to him that he’ll see him tomorrow. Niall nods along, gives Zayn a kiss and then waves as he leaves.

“It looks like it’s just you and me,” Liam says, putting the car into drive and driving off, heading back to his place. “What do you want to do?”

“Play,” Niall tells him, kicking his legs back and forth. “Play toys.”

“We can definitely do that,” Liam tells him, nodding. “And maybe we can have ice cream, like the bank you made.”

He sees Niall smile and he feels a little better, like maybe Liam can fix a relationship with someone in his life, not like there was anything wrong with his and Niall’s, besides not having seen him in a while.

~~

Liam’s woken up in the middle of the night by his phone going off. He jerks awake, confused and feeling barely functional. He answers it without thinking about it, pressing the talk button and muttering a rough, “Hello?” He clears his throat, rubbing at his eyes and waits. He doesn’t hear anything, so he pulls the phone away from his hear, frowning when he sees “Zayn?”

“Yeah, yeah it’s me. Can you let me in?”

“Let you in where?” Liam asks, getting up off the couch and flipping the light on.

“Your apartment. I’m outside.”

“What the fuck,” Liam mutters under his breath after Zayn’s hung up, tripping over his blanket on the way to the door. He grabs it and tosses it back onto the couch, rushing towards the door and yanking it open. “What are you doing here?” Liam asks, pulling Zayn in and locking the door.

“You’re sleeping on the couch?” Zayn asks, staring at the bundle of blankets bunched up at the end of the sofa, a pillow at the other end.

“Oh, yeah. I figured it’s best for Niall to sleep somewhere he wouldn’t fall off and hurt himself. He was also lying diagonally so he has a nice portion of the bed, it’s fine though, the couch is actually really comfortable,” Liam says, yawning behind his hand. “Did you come over here to find out where we’re sleeping?”

“No,” Zayn says, shaking his head. “I was out for a walk and next thing I knew I was on your doorstep. I guess my mind knew where I was going when I didn’t.”

“You walked here? Holy shit, Zayn, that’s like, five miles. Why would you do that? Where are Harry and Louis?”

It’s late and Liam’s tired, and he doesn’t understand what’s going on. Zayn looks miserable, and he fucking walked to Liam’s place. It’s clear across town. And he’s looking at him, waiting as patiently as he can but then something in Zayn snaps, whatever tether that was holding him together breaking and he’s crying, properly crying in the middle of Liam’s front room.

“Oh god,” Zayn says, and Liam can hear it, the pain in his voice.

“Shit, Zayn,” Liam says and then he’s pulling Zayn into a hug, holding onto him tightly. He doesn’t bother rubbing his back, just holds onto him, trying to absorb whatever it is. Zayn’s tears are soaking his bare shoulder, and Liam can feel him shaking, feel the vibrations of the emotions rushing through him. He doesn’t know what to do, so he loosens his grip just so, just enough that he can use of his hands to rub circles into his back, trying to calm Zayn down as best as he can.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Zayn cries, pulling away from Liam and doing his best to stop the tears. “I didn’t mean to come in here and cry all over you. I don’t even know why I’m here, I need to see Niall.”

“He’s in the other room, he’s sleeping though. And you should probably calm down before you see him, if he wakes up then he’s going to be worried about you. It might scare him, or make him upset.”

“Yeah, fuck. You’re right,” Zayn says, sitting down on the couch, rubbing at his eyes. “I’m so sorry for coming over here and just crying on you.” He hiccups at the end, and Liam watches as his chest rises and falls in quick succession, sobs still breaking free of his body.

Liam sits down next to him, places a hand on his back and tells him to breathe in and out slowly. He works Zayn through it, gets him to the point where he’s able to breathe, tears no longer running down his face. “Can you talk to me? What happened?”

Zayn shakes his head. “I don’t want to tell you,” Zayn says, looking at Liam.

“It can’t be any worse than what’s playing out in my mind. You showed up here in the middle of the night, walked five miles to get here, and broke down in my living room. Zayn, please just tell me something,” Liam pleads, because his mind is flashing to horrible places. Places that…he can’t. He needs to know.

“I saw them.”

“Saw who?”

Zayn bites his lip, fresh tears forming in his eyes as he looks away from Liam. “Harry and Louis.” And Liam freezes, but continues to stroke Zayn’s back. “We were having a good night. Louis had a bit of an attitude, he was trying to have a good time, was trying to forget you or something, I don’t know. He was off doing his own thing but Harry and I, he was drunk, but it was cute. He was being so sweet to me, kept saying he loved me, and stuff. Everything was fine. He went to go get drinks, I couldn’t see him but I figured he just got distracted. I went to the bathroom and I saw them.” Liam accidentally digs his fingers into Zayn’s back, trying to just…not. “They were in the stall together, they were—they were together and they were, fuck. They were kissing and touching each other. I left, I don’t know what happened but I saw it,” Zayn chokes, looking back at Liam as he removes his hand from Zayn’s back. Liam stares at him, shaking his head.

“He…why would he? I don’t… Louis?”

Zayn nods his head, biting his lip and Liam’s face falls. He doesn’t understand. He just talked to Louis. It wasn’t that long ago. Not. Not long enough for Louis to… Harry? “But… how long?”

“I don't know,” Zayn says, shaking his head. “I brought them back to my apartment and then I walked here. I couldn’t be around them. I just couldn't. I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s okay,” Liam says, pulling Zayn in for another hug. “You have nothing to be sorry for.” He rubs at Zayn’s back again, does his best to soothe Zayn as he cries onto Liam’s shoulder again. Liam’s own body is shaking. He doesn’t know how to stop it. But he’s trying. He and Louis broke up. But Zayn and Harry. Fuck, he’s so angry. And hurt. And confused. And he can only imagine how Zayn feels, his best friend and boyfriend betraying him like this.

Liam holds onto him, hugging him until he hears that Zayn is done crying and the tremors in his body have stopped. Zayn’s resting his body weight on him, but Liam doesn’t mind. It’s like an anchor, holding him down and reminding him that this is about Zayn. This is about making sure he doesn’t break anymore than he already has. It’s not about him, no matter how he feels about this whole thing.

Zayn pulls away from Liam slowly, rubbing at his eyes as he does. “I’m going to go see Niall, then I’m heading him. I’ll walk back.”

“Zayn, you can’t walk home. Go into my bedroom and sleep for a few hours. I’ll drive you home in the morning before Louis and Harry get up, they’ll be hung-over so it won’t be until about lunchtime anyway. Go get some sleep.”

Zayn shakes his head. “I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep for a while. It’s fine, I need to take care of it. And if I stay until the morning then Niall will wake up and see me, and I don’t think I’d be able to leave him.”

“Okay,” Liam says, giving in. “But I’m going to call you a cab. I’ll pay for it. You’re not walking back, it’s late.”

Zayn smiles at him, mutter a quiet thank you as Liam pulls out his phone, calling the taxi service that he has programmed into his phone. It’s a nice distraction, giving his address away.

And later, after Zayn’s safely inside the cab and on his way home, Liam forces himself to forget about what happened, as best as he can, because he needs to sleep. He still has to take care of Niall in the morning, and for however long it takes Zayn to come back and get him.

~~

When a knock sounds at the door Liam knows without checking that it’s Zayn. And truth be told, he’s been waiting for him, worried sick since the moment Zayn left the night before. So when Liam hears the knock, he moves to open the door as quickly as possible.

“If you tell me that you walked here again, I’m going to lecture you,” he says as way of greeting, pulling the door open.

Zayn smiles at him, passing through the threshold, shrugging his shoulders as he does it. “I needed to clear my head, a lot on my mind. Where’s Niall?”

“He’s in my closet trying on all my shoes,” Liam says behind a smile. “I got him bathed and dressed in the outfit you packed for him, but he didn’t want to wear the shoes you packed, said he needed mine.”

“I’m going to go get him, is that okay?”

Liam shrugs his shoulders. “It’s your baby, go ahead.”

Zayn nods his head and walks off, leaving Liam alone in the front room. He sighs, wishing there was more he could do for his friend that he’s in pain. Unfortunately, he can’t, at least not in this moment, so he takes a seat on his couch, grabbing the remote and flipping on the television.

It’s several minutes later before Zayn comes out of Liam’s bedroom with Niall and Liam still hasn’t found anything to watch on television, so he’s flipping through channels aimlessly, trying not to think about how Zayn must be feeling, how he’s feeling about what happened between Harry and Louis.

It’s really none of his business, not what Louis wants to do with his time, but it is his business if his friend is hurting. And it’s not his business to be hurt because of something his ex-boyfriend has done when they’re not together. This isn’t about him; this is about Zayn and Harry. 

“Can you turn on something he can watch?” Zayn asks, taking a seat next to Liam and adjusting Niall on his lap so he’s facing the TV.

“Yeah, of course,” Liam says, switching it to DVD. The start up menu page for Aladdin is already on, and when Zayn cocks an eyebrow at him he says, “We were going to watch it last night but he fell asleep before we could.”

“I’m sure,” Zayn says, laughing at Liam playfully. “I just want something to distract him. I just want to hold him without him trying to get away from me to go try on your shorts or something next.”

“Yeah, wouldn’t put it past him,” Liam says, tossing the remote onto the coffee table and leaning back onto the couch.

They sit in silence, watching the movie together as Zayn holds onto Niall, Liam watching the movie, turning his thoughts off. They make it until Aladdin meets Jasmine before Zayn speaks up again, “H didn’t remember what happened.”

“H?” Liam says in confusion before he realizes that they’re talking in code. “Oh. Oh, he didn’t?”

Zayn shakes his head. “I got back from your place and he was asleep in my bed, L was nowhere to be seen, I thought he had skipped out until I saw him trying to sneak out. He remembered, at least he did after H cried on him saying I was angry. We didn’t talk, I told him to leave. I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet.”

“You’re going to see him soon, aren’t you?” Liam asks.

“Tomorrow,” Zayn says, releasing a bitter laugh. “Today I broke up with H, tomorrow I’ll end a twenty year friendship. Maybe. I don’t know. I’ll think about that later.”

“You broke up with H? What happened?”

“Not talk,” Niall says, turning around to glare at Liam and Zayn before he slides off Zayn’s lap, deciding instead to lie on the floor in front of the television.

“Sorry, Ni,” Zayn says. “But yeah, I did. He woke up and we talked, he tried to act like nothing had happened. I asked, and he couldn’t remember. He thought… he thought I was talking about when him and L kissed before.”

Liam freezes next to him, his body stiffening. “Before? What do you mean when they kissed before?”

“L kissed him one night when he was upset about your break up. Apparently twice in one night, I’m guessing they tested it out and didn’t think it was worth it. They decided not to tell me, didn’t want to hurt me. Isn’t that sweet of them?” Zayn asks sarcastically.

Liam feels like he’s been doused in cold water when he hears Zayn’s words, because none of this would have ever happened if he hasn’t broke up with Louis, if he was man enough to accept Louis for who he is and the things he wants, instead of getting lost inside of his wishes for life.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry. I… shit, this is entirely my fault, and if I hadn’t broken up with L then he’d have never done things with H. Shit, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Li. You didn’t know this would happen, don’t blame yourself because it’s just one of those things. Maybe it was bound to happen in some way regardless of what happened, maybe now or maybe a year from now. You never know. Plus, it happened ages ago, and he never told me. He exchanged… stuff,” Zayn checks to make sure Niall isn’t paying attention, he’s not, he’s mimicking the motions taking place when Genie introduces Prince Ali, “in a bathroom with my best friend, they both were consenting adults in the situation, and at least now I know about both of them. I know they kissed before when L was upset and I know they…messed around, for whatever reason, but don’t think that either of those are your fault. You weren’t’ there making them do it, they decided to do it on their own. It’s their fault, not yours.”

Liam releases a deep breath. “Well, I’m glad one of us doesn’t blame me. I just—L—never mind. It doesn’t matter. Do believe H? Like, do you think he’s telling the truth when he says he doesn’t remember kissing L last night?”

“We can probably stop talking in codes, I think Niall isn’t paying attention anymore, but I didn’t believe him, not at first. Then he started crying and kept telling me that I was lying, said that I was doing it to try and push him away again, that I had found a reason, whatever reason, and I was scared again. He looked so genuinely hurt that I’d ever say what they did that I knew he didn’t remember it, but that doesn’t change anything. And the thing is, I wasn’t scared, not anymore at least. I thought it was going to be us, forever. It’s stupid, it sounds so juvenile to say, but I wanted to be with Harry until my skin looked like a crumbled up piece of paper and Niall had to be the one taking care of us, but I wanted it,” Zayn says, taking a deep breath. “I’ve never wanted anything as much as what I want with Harry, besides Niall, and that’s why I thought we’d always be together. I should have known though, shouldn’t I? Forever only exists in a fictional setting, or only happens to certain people, not me.”

“Zayn, I wish,” Liam pauses, frowning as he looks at Zayn. “I wish I could fix it, that I could say everything was going to be okay, and that it will all work out, but I can’t. I so desperately want to, but I just can't. And I know it’s hard for you, but I’m here if you need me, for anything. I don’t want you to feel like you have to deal with this alone. And I know that we would have never been friends without Louis, but I really care about you, and if ever just want to stay here for the night, or if you need someone to watch Niall, or if you just want someone to talk to then I’m here for you. That’s all I can really say, because no matter what I know that nothing I can say will change what happened or how you’re feeling.”

“I know, and thank you. It’s good to know that I have someone in my life besides Niall,” Zayn says, smiling at Liam. “He’s the best person to have in your life, but I can’t really talk to him about this, so thanks.”

“Good, good,” Liam says slowly. “Actually, can I ask you something? Who are you angrier with Louis or Harry? It’s not an important question, I just… I know who I’m angrier with and I’m curious.”

Zayn thinks about it for a moment before he says, “I think Louis. It’s like, you see, Niall is the single most important person in my life, he’s number one to me. If I could give him the first one hundred spots then I would, but Louis comes after Niall. I’ve known Louis my entire life, he knows everything about me, and it’s cliché to say, but Louis knows me better than I know myself. It was almost ten years ago the last time Louis hurt me, really hurt me, and we were just a bunch of kids when it happened. I forgave him for that, but this… We’re not kids anymore, and I would never do anything to hurt him. Besides Niall, he’s the second most important person to me, before Harry even, and I can’t… I can’t forgive this. Not this time. This time it hurts, like there is a boa constrictor inside my body and it’s wrapping itself around my heart and squeezing until it feels like I can’t breath, like my chest is going to explode from the pain and the pressure it’s causing. And I can’t forget that, I can’t forgive it either, not yet.”

Liam looks at him for a moment, nodding his head slowly until he says, “I guess it makes sense why you’re angrier with Louis and I’m angrier with Harry. Louis kissed the person that you love, he broke your heart and he was supposed to be your friend, he was supposed to care about you enough not to do this to you. And Harry, he… Well.”

“He kissed the person you love,” Zayn finishes.

Liam shakes his head, shrugging his shoulders, because yeah, maybe. Instead of replaying to that part, though, he says, “How about I make some lunch? This movie is almost over, so we can sit down and eat, you’re probably starving. Then you and Niall can go take a nap in my bedroom. Don’t even try and argue with me, because I really don’t want to hear it. You’ve had a long night, you haven’t slept at all, and you could use the rest.”

“I could really use some sleep, I don’t think I can make it home before I pass out from exhaustion,” Zayn agrees.

“So it’s settled. I’ll make lunch, and then you can both go take a nap. Then we’ll go to the park and have a giant ice cream for dinner. Niall, do you want ice cream for dinner?” Liam asks.

Niall looks at him, shaking his head and sticking out his tongue. “Noodle.”

“Much better,” Zayn says. “Liam, he’s two. He needs real food for dinner.”

“I’m trying to be the good guy in this. All right, fine. We’ll have noodles and then a giant ice cream sundae, like, as big as we can make it. I’ll go to the store while you’re all sleeping and get everything we need. And might I also point out that it would be just your son who would refuse ice cream in order to eat something else. I’m actually surprised by that because I didn’t think he’d ever choose Baba approved foods over ice cream.”

~~

Come Monday, Liam is exhausted. He feels drained, like all the energy has been sucked out of him. He hasn’t been able to sleep, haunted by the image that Zayn painted in his head of Louis and Harry together.

And then, because he apparently he loves rubbing salt into his own wounds, Liam kept coming up with other scenarios inside his head, things that he knows never happened between Harry and Louis, but things that his mind kept wanting to torture him and Liam stupidly played into it, staring at his ceiling while images of Louis and Harry pressed together played out before him.

So he’s exhausted as he stumbles into work and a little cranky, because he really is just so tired, but he’s sure what to blame for the hot flash of anger that seers through his veins at the sight of Harry.

Liam’s hands subconsciously curl into fists and it’s almost like he can feel his blood boil, because Harry hurt Zayn. He destroyed his own relationship and in the process he fucked Louis.

And it’s almost like he’s on autopilot when he swings his first back and connects it to Harry’s face. He doesn’t feel a thing, just stares down at Harry as his boss begins shouting, as people rush off to get Harry ice for his face and Liam ice for his hand. They’re best friends and no one understands what’s happening between them but it’s neither of them are going to talk, so they take their suspensions from work.

Liam leaves before anyone has a chance to ask him anything, especially if he’s okay.

~~

Liam doesn’t go immediately after work, in fact he spends most of the day driving around, right hand aching miserably, but he needs time to think. He’s not even sure what he needs to think about other than his own feelings, because Liam’s reaction, it’s not one that someone actively getting over another person would have. And hitting Harry was a cool dose of reality, he’s not over Louis and he might not ever be, not if he’s going to act barbaric and punch people that go near him in the face.

When Liam finally does it home, it’s long enough for him to get clean, but not long enough to do much else before there’s a knock at the door. He sighs because he was hoping that he wouldn’t have company until the color of his skin is no longer purplish.

Zayn smiles widely at him when the door is fully open and Liam pulls the door open wider, motioning for Zayn and Niall to come inside.

“Hi,” Niall shouts, pushing into the apartment, rushing forward, and wrapping himself around Liam’s leg.

Liam smiles down at Niall, reaching his hand down to ruffle his hair as Zayn steps inside, closing the door.

“What happened to your hand?” Zayn asks, pulling Niall away from Liam. He kneels down blindly, his eyes trained on Liam, and begins to take off Niall’s shoes and sweater.

“Oh, nothing,” Liam says, blushing. “I’m actually embarrassed you noticed.”

“I probably wouldn't have noticed if you hadn’t have used that hand to touch Niall’s hair, so what happened?”

“Don’t laugh,” Liam says, waiting for Zayn, who nods his head and slowly stands back up. “I was working out and I went a little hard on the punching bag. I’ve been a little stressed lately, as you know from your own experiences, so I thought going to the gym would be relaxing. I kind of zoned out a little and just kept hitting it and hitting it until my hand kind of crumbled and I looked down and noticed what I did.”

“That’s it?” Liam nods. “Liam, that’s hardly even a good story. Why would you be embarrassed? People get injured all the time at the gym.”

“I don’t,” Liam points out.

Zayn looks like he wants to reply with something sarcastic but the realization that Liam is telling the truth - a form of it anyway - makes him stop. “Okay, so…you’re right about that, but it’s not a big deal. No need to be embarrassed about it.”

“Maybe. I was actually just about to ice it before you got here,” Liam explains, pointing over his shoulder. “I’ve only been home for a little while, long enough to shower and change. Do you mind if I go grab that? Make yourselves at home.”

Zayn nods his head, motions for Liam to go get his ice.

Liam’s wrapping some ice in a towel when Zayn waltzes into the kitchen.

“You know, you should take me,” Zayn says.

“Where?” Liam asks in confusion, thick eyebrows pulling together as he looks up at Zayn.

“To the gym, like when your hand is healed. “I have a lot of stress right now in my life, ya know, so it would be nice to find a way to get that stress out without having some kind of mental breakdown in the process.”

“Oh yeah, of course, I would love too, but um, who would watch Niall?” Liam asks tentatively.

“Shit,” Zayn says, his face falling. “I could always ask my mom, but I was hoping to avoid her for the rest of my life since she’s probably going to either want to kill me for breaking up with Harry, or rant to me about how she’s going to kill Harry. She’d probably leave threatening voicemails on Louis’ phone, too. I guess, well, I guess that I won’t go to the gym? At least until I figure out what to do with Niall.”

“I could always watch him, and then, you know, you could go by yourself.”

“No, it’s fine,” Zayn says shaking his head. “I would feel bad. We both keep coming over here and invading your space and taking up your time. I don’t want to push it even more, that wouldn’t be appropriate of me to do that to you.”

“I don’t mind,” Liam says slowly, averting his eyes to the ground. “I haven’t had anyone over since Louis and I broke up, it’s been months since I’ve had company, so it’s nice, you know, to not be alone all the time.”

Liam feels a bit like a child admitting that because he didn’t fully realize until this moment how much he’s truly missed the company of another human. His life consisted of going to work, coming home, going to sleep and repeat for so long that he forgot what it means to have someone else near him.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that, like, I should have been there for you. You’ve always been there for Niall and I, so it was really shitty of me to pick Louis side on everything,” Zayn says.

“Don’t be sorry,” Liam says, shrugging his shoulders. “You and Louis have always had each other’s back, and it never really felt like you were against me, just that you were for Louis. You always have been. I guess now is one of the only times that you’re not here for each other.”

“Not really,” Zayn says.

“What do you mean?” Liam asks, nudging towards the table with his elbow to tell Zayn to sit down at the table across the room.

Zayn nods his head and goes to sit down. “I talked to Louis today, and it’s like, I saw how bad he looked, like, he hasn’t been sleeping or showering, and he looked awful, and it’s like, for a second I forgot that I was really angry with him. I just wanted to take care of him, like, make sure he was eating properly, and take him home and force him to take a bath and go to sleep. I couldn’t even be angry with him properly because I was worried about him.”

“Zayn, it’s a force of habit, right? You’re used to being worried about Louis, and just because you’re mad at him doesn’t really mean that you automatically stop caring about him, the same goes for Harry. You still care about them both, so it’s only normal for you to be worried about their wellbeing, especially if it looks like they’re not taking care of themselves.”

Zayn nods his head slowly, rubs his hand against the scruff on his jaw. “It’s weird. I’m angrier with Louis, but it was so much easier to tell Harry that we should break up, like. I’m mad at both of them, furious, really, but it’s easier to be mad at Harry. Am I making any sense?” Zayn asks. Liam looks at him in confusion before he shakes his head.

“It’s like, they both hurt me, right? But I’m so fucking furious at Louis, so angry, but I let him down gently. I wasn’t as harsh as I wanted to be, as I should have been because it was so fucking difficult to tell him that I don’t think we can be friends for a while, or again. And I’m not as angry with Harry, but it was easy to tell him that we should break up. I was probably harsher than I should have been. I don’t know, to be honest I can’t really remember either conversations, just what I was thinking in my head,” Zayn explains.

“Maybe because you expected Harry to screw up at some point. I mean, everyone knows that you always thought he was going to before now, and then he did, so even though it hurt, you might not have been as surprised as you felt seeing Louis screw up. You never thought that he would, so it hurts you more,” Liam says reasonably.

“I don’t know, maybe,” Zayn says, shrugging his shoulders. “I can’t talk about this anymore. I feel like my head is going to explode.” Zayn rubs his heads against his face, pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes for a moment. Pulling away he looks at Liam and says, “Well, I came over here so Niall and I wouldn’t be completely bored at home, and so I wouldn’t have a meltdown. I think I’ve had what you could say is a slight meltdown, very minimal, but now my son is bored, so would you like to go in there and watch some Disney?”

Liam smiles at him, laughing lightly. “Of course I would, let me just get some fresh ice put on this and I’ll be there in a moment.”

Liam watches him go before he releases a deep breath. He doesn’t need ice, just needs a moment to breathe. He needs a moment to just…he has no idea. Liam doesn’t have a clue what he’s going anymore.

~~

Liam stares at the bruise on his hand, not exactly admiring it, but thinking about it. It’s not deep, just faint enough to know that it’s there, a reminder of Liam’s actions that got him his work suspension. He doesn’t regret it, not really. Liam wishes that he wouldn’t have hit anyone but at the moment it felt right and Liam’s having a hard time arguing in this moment that it wasn’t the right thing to do.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t moments where his guilty conscious seeps in between the cracks of his armor, making him want to call Harry and apologize. And he thinks about it, calling him, until he remembers the look on Zayn’s face when he showed up in his apartment that night, and when he remembers the exact reason why he hit Harry. And then all guilt goes out the window.

Liam sighs when a knock sounds at the door, standing up and moving swiftly to answer. He knows, without checking, who it’s going to be, so he pulls it open and allows Zayn inside, frowning when he sees that Niall’s not with him.

“Where’s Niall?” Liam asks. “I would have thought you’d bring him over here.”

“I was going to, but he threw a fit because he wanted to see Harry, so we stopped by your work and I dropped him off. He’s coming home tonight, though,” Zayn says easily.

“I didn’t think you’d let Harry see him,” Liam says in confusion, because it sounded like he was done with Harry, at least the other day it sounded that way. “I mean, I knew they’d want to see each other, and I knew Niall would be the only one to voice those desires, but I didn’t think you’d let it happen, especially so quickly.”

“Yeah, well,” Zayn says, shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t want to punish Niall for anything that’s happened. He cares about Harry and Harry cares about him. I’m only thinking about what Niall wants. Harry has no right to see him, at least not yet anyway, but I’m not going to punish Niall for something that Harry and Louis did. I wouldn’t be a very good father if I did, they’ve never done anything to hurt him.”

“Split custody, hmm, kind of funny if you think about it. I mean… it makes sense if you think about it. He considers Harry to be Daddy and Louis has always been there for him, so he’ll only get confused and upset with their absence.”

“Something like that,” Zayn says. “I guess. We’ll see how it plays out, won’t we?”

“If anything you could slowly start lessen the amount of times he gets to see Harry, instead of just cutting them off completely. It’d be easier on Niall,” Liam says.

“Yeah,” Zayn says nodding his head. He pauses for a moment, looking thoughtful for a moment as his eyes cast downward. “You know, your knuckles look better today. The bruising has gone down.”

“It feels better, too,” Liam says, bending and opening his hand. He swallows down the lump of guilt that he feels for lying to Zayn about that.

“You know, it’s weird,” Zayn says slowly. “I came over here yesterday and your hand is bruised, and then, we go to see Harry today and his face is bruised. It’s weird, right?”

“Yeah,” Liam lies, clearing his throat, trying to keep his voice from cracking. Zayn knows, he has to know what happened. Harry probably told him when they saw each other. “I don’t know. He looked all right yesterday.”

“It’s kind of big, right, like, it’s right over his eye. It’s almost like someone punched him, kind of like you punched the punching bag, or so I’d assume.”

Liam sighs, his shoulders dropping as he averts his gaze to the ground. It means Harry didn’t tell him, but that Zayn figured it out on his own, which better, Liam suspects. But it doesn’t make Liam feel any better for hitting Harry. “Yeah, I hit him,” he admits, biting down on his bottom lip.

“Yeah, I kind of figured as much,” Zayn says, patting Liam on the knee. “Did he do something special or is this because he hooked up with Louis?”

“I really couldn’t care that he hooked up with Louis,” Liam says, shrugging his shoulders, his expression indifferent.

Zayn nods, not convinced in the slightest that Liam is telling the truth. “You punched Harry in the face, gave him a shiner and everything. A bit dramatic for someone who doesn’t care.”

“Yeah, well,” Liam says, shrugging again. “You don’t have to care to punch someone, he’s a prick who deserved it. He shouldn’t kiss Louis, not when he has you. He shouldn’t touch Louis.”

“It takes two to kiss, why didn’t you punch Louis?”

Liam clenches his jaw, squeezes his fist together before he relaxes, letting out a deep breath. “I can’t hit Louis, hitting Louis—it’s not something I can do.”

“You can hit Harry,” Zayn says, pushing Liam to give a real reason.

“I’ve also never had sex with Harry, I never kissed Harry. I’ve never been in—I’m not in…” Liam stops, swallowing thickly as he shakes his head. “Hitting Harry was easy. I didn’t think about it, I just knew that he hurt you, and that he…he kissed Louis.”

“You’ve also never been in love with Harry like you have with Louis,” Zayn points out, filling in Liam’s blanks. “Or, still in love with, I should say.”

Liam releases a deep breath, shrugs his shoulders again. It’s the truth, but it’s easier if he let’s Zayn say it. “I’ve been trying not to be.”

“Liam,” Zayn says, shaking his head. “I don’t understand. If you loved Louis, then why would you break up with him? Why would you stay broken up with him?”

"I never wanted to be with anyone but Louis, but we wanted different things with the kids and the marriage and how I wanted those things and he doesn't. I know that nothing has changed with that but hearing about how Louis kissed Harry... I couldn't--I can't handle knowing that he's moving on, even if what happened between him and Harry was a drunken mistake. I just can't," Liam says.

“He hasn’t moved on,” Zayn says, shaking his head. “That’s why he hooked up with Harry, because he’s fucking miserable and he wants everyone else to feel that way.”

“I thought breaking up with him would make him want the things I did, or at least to compromise with me. I didn’t know what to do, so I thought about it. I asked myself, what would Louis do if wanted marriage or kids from me? And Louis would do something just as stupid as breaking up with me. I started moving my stuff out slowly, thinking that he’d catch on, and I just kept telling myself that I had to do this, I had do to this. And then, next thing I know I’m back at my old apartment with everything I own, but no Louis. I never thought it would get this far.”

“That’s the most fucked up thing I’ve ever heard, and my boyfriend and best friend just hooked up in a bathroom while I cried at our table. I know fucked up, but Liam…this is. Wow.”

“I know, I know,” Liam groans, shaking his head. “That’s why I was such an asshole to you at Taylor’s party. I was so jealous of you. You had Harry and Niall and I had no one. Absolutely no one because the only person I wanted is too stubborn. And because I’m an idiot.”

“Yeah, but we all are, aren’t we? Harry, Louis, you, and me. I think the only person who isn’t an idiot is Niall.”

Liam smiles sadly and nods his head. “Yeah… I’m really sorry I was an asshole to you, and for trying to come between you and Harry. I guess I wanted everyone to be miserable, too. I apologize. I’m also sorry that I punched Harry in the face.”

“You should probably give that second apology to someone else.”

“No,” Liam says, shaking his head. “I’m sorry to you for punching Harry, but I’m not sorry to Harry for punching Harry. He deserves to get punched. He fucked up the greatest thing he’s ever had.”

Zayn sighs, shrugging his shoulders. “Well, maybe if you apologize it won’t be so awkward at work. He was really jumpy today.”

“About that,” Liam says, rubbing the back of his neck. “I kind of got…suspended for the next two weeks for punching Harry. I did it at work. He’s suspended for the week, so he might have been jumpy because he wasn’t supposed to be there.”

“Holy shit,” Zayn breathes. “I’d ask how this became our lives but I’m scared to know the answer.”

Liam smiles sheepishly at him, almost nervous as Zayn shakes his head.

~~

It takes him a while, longer than he’d care to admit, before Liam realizes that he should have a proper discussion with Louis. Not like the ones that have had, but an actual sit down, face-to-face conversation about what exactly is going on in their lives, because it’s obvious, overwhelmingly so, that neither of them have gotten over the other. Neither of them are showing any signs of wanting to be finished with the relationship, Louis with his incident with Harry, and Liam with his ability to punch someone in the face for kissing his ex.

And it’s with that thought Liam finds himself sitting awkwardly on Louis’ couch, sweaty palms rubbing against his knees and waiting—waiting for something, but he doesn’t know what.

“I kissed Harry,” Louis says after an excruciating silence and Liam nods, wetting his lips. “A few times, actually. We, um—or no, I initiated it, all times. Harry’s just too nice to tell me no.”

“I knew that,” Liam tells him, watching as Louis face twists a bit, frowning. “Zayn came to my place that night.”

“Did you two-“

“Kiss?” Louis nods, dropping his gaze down to the floor. “No. That’s not a thought that ever crossed my mind, or his, I’d think.”

Louis nods again and sighs, shrugging his shoulders. “I guess kissing someone else because you’re miserable is just something I do.”

“Not just you, no. I’m sure other people in the world have done the same thing,” Liam says, and it’s probably not comforting, but Louis shouldn’t live with the knowledge that he’s a bad person, or at least shouldn’t be forced to live with the knowledge that he’s the only person to have ever made a mistake that hurt other people. “Zayn came over because he wanted to see Niall, not because he wanted to see me. He’d have followed his son anywhere, the fact I was there was just coincidence.”

Louis licks his lips, scratching at his jaw. “You know that, like, I’m really sorry for doing that, right? I can’t say I’d never do that, you know, like obviously that’s something I’ve already done, but I’d never want to hurt Zayn like that…or you.”

“Zayn knows you’re sorry,” Liam tells him.

“What about you?”

Liam sighs, rubbing his palms across his face. “What happened was about Zayn, not me. He should be your focus.”

“And he is, but I’m with you now. I’m not with him, I want to know what you think.”

“What I think is—“

Louis phone cuts him off, the loud trill forcing Liam into a pause. Louis looks town on if he should look at it, but Liam sighs, motioning for him to answer it.

“It’s Harry,” Louis mutters, glancing at Liam as he presses the phone to his hear. “Hello? Wait. What happened? Is he all right? Yeah. No, are you sure? I’m with Liam. Of course, yeah.”

“What happened?” Liam asks, frowning. Louis’ hands are shaking, and he looks scared, nervous about what it is he’s just heard on the other line. “Louis?”

“Um, Harry said that Zayn’s collapsed, and like, his fever is really high so he needs to take him to the hospital. He’s bringing Niall over,” says Louis, biting down on his lip as he looks at Liam.

~~

There’s still no news about Zayn, several hours later, as they try their best to entertain Niall and act like they’re not worried about Zayn. Harry hadn’t said much when he got there, just handed Niall over and promised that he’d call when he could before he kissed Niall’s cheek and rushed out the door.

It’s not easy trying to be calm for a toddler, but Liam knows that it’s something he has to do. And honestly, Louis is doing a far better job of it than he is. Sure, Liam can tell that he’s trying a little too hard, over exaggerating his movements as him and Niall creep across the apartment pretending to be hunting monsters. He’s trying too hard, but to Niall, he’s trying just the perfect amount to keep him smiling.

Liam watches the two of them together, as Louis pretends to act scared so that Niall can save him, or as Louis pretends to wrestle a bit of air to make Niall, and he’s struck with the thought of how wonderful Louis would be with children of his own.

They say it’s different when it’s your own children, that you’re even better with children –in most cases. And Liam can’t help but feel a pang of sadness as he watches the two of them together, because he wants this, nights in with Louis pretending to hunt monsters with a child that has his last name, or Louis’, Liam’s really not picky. He just wants this.

Liam watches them play and tries to fight down the feeling of how badly he wants Louis, how badly his misses him.

~~

Liam waits until Zayn’s out of the hospital before he goes back to visit Louis. It’s not a surprise visit, because they’ve spoken a few times via text, trying to see if the other had heard about Zayn and how he was doing. It turned out not to be anything, just a dangerously high fever accompanied with a few other symptoms, nothing as alarming as the fever, luckily enough. So it’s because of that communication that when Louis asks if Liam wants to come over, Liam doesn’t hesitate, because they really should pick up where they left off.

“Tell me if I put in enough sugars,” Louis says, passing Liam a cup of tea. And Liam nods, but he has no intention of saying anything, because he knows that Louis will have made it perfect, he always has. Plus Liam counted the sugars as he poured it in, and it was just enough.

“Have you heard from Zayn?” Liam asks and Louis shakes his head. Right. Liam should have known that. “I’m sure he’s doing much better.”

“We’d have heard otherwise,” says Louis firmly, like he’s trying to comfort himself and not tell Liam something that he’s sure of.

Liam watches him drink his tea, Louis’ gaze thoughtful, probably thinking about Zayn. And Liam mimics his actions, pressing the cup to his lips.

“You never told me what you think about mine and Harry’s kiss,” Louis says after a minute, chewing nervously on his bottom lip.

“I don’t.”

“You don’t?”

“I don’t think about it,” Liam says, and it’s true for the most part, because when does he gets angry, irrationally so, some would say. “But what I was going to say last week is that I know you’re sorry about what happened. You wouldn’t need assurance about that if didn’t truly feel badly about it. Nor would you have done it in the first place, if your head was in the right place. But that’s all I think.”

Louis nods, ready to say something until a knock sounds at the door.

“What the hell,” Louis mutters, staring in the direction of the sound. “I have no idea who that could be.”

Liam waits where he is, watching as Louis disappears through the doorway, on his way to answer the door. He blows on his tea, mostly for something to do before he takes another sip. Liam can hear Louis talking to whoever is at the door, but he can’t make out what they’re saying, but the voice sounds oddly like Zayn’s.

Curiosity gets the best of him, and that’s how he finds himself standing in Louis living room, wondering Louis rubbing at his nose and Zayn his knuckles. “What’s going on?” Liam asks finally, glancing between the two of them in confusion. “Holy shit, you punched him?”

“You hit Harry,” Zayn says, swinging his fist forward again to show Liam the action. “Gave him a nice shiner, didn’t ya?”

“Zayn, are you drunk?” Louis asks, sniffing the air around Zayn. “You smell horrible, sit down.” He grabs Zayn’s shoulders, guiding him towards the couch and forcing him into a sit.

“I’ll get him some water and then I’ll leave,” Liam says, disappearing behind the wall.

Liam can’t believe it; he really and truly can’t believe that Zayn showed up to Louis’ place just to strike him. He’s not sure what’s worse, being sober and hitting Harry at work, or Zayn needing to get piss drunk just to work up the courage. Probably the former and not the latter, Liam was rash and stupid. But it feels like things are coming back full circle, like everyone is trying to work on themselves and their relationship.

~~

Liam’s at the grocery store, pushing his cart through the aisles, and trying to find the risotto. He can’t remember where it’s located, is the thing, but he’s in the pasta aisle, so he figures that he must be getting close. It’s with his eyes on the little green packages that his cart bumps into another.

“Oh, god. I’m so sorry,” Liam says frantically, feeling a blush when the woman looks up at him, a kind smile on her face.

“It’s all right, I wasn’t paying attention. Probably all my fault, anyway,” she says, smiling. It’s a beautiful smile, framed by a gorgeously plump bottom lip. Her hair looks silky soft, draped over her shoulder.

“No, I was trying to find the risotto. I’m not sure—do you know where to find that?”

“You’re in the right aisle, but it’s on that end,” she says, motioning towards the direction she’s going, the way he just came from.

“Of course it is,” he sighs, shaking his head. “It’s always in the first place you looked, isn’t it?”

“That might be true, but I was actually going to grab some myself.”

“Well, then I guess I’ll go with you,” Liam says, turning around and walking along side her. “I’m Liam.”

“Sophia,” she says, smiling at him. “Don’t usually give my name out when I’m shopping.”

“So you probably wouldn’t be comfortable giving out your number,” Liam says and he has no clue where that came from, his eyes go wide as Sophia smirks at him, haltering her movement to place a hand on her hip. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, like. That’s wrong of me. You’re just trying to shop. I’m going to go. Forget that I—just, I’ll get my risotto later, you get yours, and we’ll pretend this never happened. I’m so sorry. Happy shopping.”

“Have you got a pen or would you like me to program it into your phone?” Sophia asks and-

“What?”

Sophia laughs, shaking her head. “I said, have you got a pen or do you want me to program it into your phone.”

“Wow, yeah. All right,” Liam says, pulling his phone out of his pocket and handing it over to Sophia. He’s still not sure why he asked for it, he’s talking to Louis. He’s trying to get things at a decent place with them. Talking to Sophia is only going to fuck all that up. But then again, the main goal that Liam’s been trying to accomplish these past few months is to get over Louis. And this is the first time he’s looked at someone and realized other people could be attractive, and that has to be progress worth exploring, right?

~~

Liam bumps into Sophia at the store several more times after that over the course of the next few weeks, which would be awkward if he didn’t take to texting her almost every day.

It had started out awkward enough, his first text reading

_Hiii, it’s Liam…from the store, the risotto guy._

But Sophia is amazing, actually. Liam’s learned a lot about her, like how she’s an aspiring fashion designer currently working as a seamstress, not her favorite job in the world, but sometimes customers come in and ask for help with an original prom dress, or something of the sort, so it’s a step in the right direction.

She’s great, is the thing. Liam enjoys talking to her. And while sometimes, if he allows himself to think about it for too long, he’ll realize that she’s absolutely nothing like Louis, which is fine. That’s what he wants, and he doesn’t want to compare them, which is why he doesn’t think about it. It’s just that she’s not Louis, which is what gets Liam the most.

But Sophia is fun and she makes Liam laugh, which is exactly why he asks her out on a date. It’s weird, and he stares at his phone in shock, waiting for her answer.

**Yeah, sounds great :)**

Liam breathes a sigh of relief and texts back, _Is there any thing in particular you want to do, or are you up for anything?_

It’s been a long time since Liam has taken anyone out, a really long time, even longer if that anyone doesn’t include Louis.

Liam sets his phone down when he hears someone at the door, giving him an excuse not to stare at the screen and wait to see what Sophia says back. Pulling the door open, the last person Liam expects it to be is

“Louis,” Liam says, pulling the door open a little wider, allowing him entry. He’s confused as to why Louis is here, but not for long.

“We never had a proper talk, but I think we should,” he says, looking at Liam thoughtfully. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while, thinking about you. And it’s like, Harry and Zayn are able to worst past their issues, so why can’t we?”

“They’ve got issues?”

“Well, you know, beyond the cheating, no. But like, that’s the thing,” Louis says, taking a deep breath, “If they can work beyond that, the ultimate act of betrayal, then we should probably talk?”

Liam nods and closes the door finally, running his fingers through his hair. “Yeah, all right.”

“Well, like, before you let me in, I feel like I should tell you that I’ve been miserable, and like, so miserable that I made Harry have an affair with me. I was drunk, yeah, and so was he, but I was so mad, and just, so miserable. I broke my best friend’s heart because I don’t know how to deal with being without you, and that’s not—it’s not normal.”

“No, I’d say it isn’t,” Liam agrees, but it’s not like he was clueless about what was going through Louis’ head when that happened. Liam didn’t know the details of it, obviously, just his own suspicions and the things that Zayn’s told him. “You’re not a bad person, Louis. No matter what anyone tells you, or what you think about yourself. You’re not.”

“I feel like it.”

“You’ve made a mistake, yes. But the people you hurt, mostly Zayn, is working on forgiving you, so you have to work on forgiving yourself.”

“I am. I am, and like, part of that is this conversation with you. I need you to know that I love you—am still in love with you, always have been, and I know that it’s my fault, really, because I was adamant on what I wanted, and didn’t think to properly consider what you wanted.”

“I think we’re both guilty of that.”

“Obviously,” Louis says, rolling his eyes.

“It’s just, we could have tried harder. It feels like we just hit a crossroads and instead of figuring out which direction we should go, we called it quits and tried to build a new path for ourselves, but our paths were always meant to be alongside the others, so,” Louis pauses and takes a deep breath, “I’d like to have a proper discussion with you, about our options. About where we could go that doesn’t involve breaking up, because I really want to be with you, always.”

Liam’s mouth feels dry, like he’s swallowed a wad of cotton balls, and he doesn’t know what to do besides scratch at his jaw and watch Louis closely. It’s not like he hasn’t thought about this conversation, about talking to Louis, but he wants to try this thing with Sophia. He wants to know if there’s a chance that Liam could be happy elsewhere. It’s not fair to either of them, Louis or Sophia, but it’s something he has to know.

“I met someone,” Liam says and watches as Louis’ shoulders drop. “I, um. I just asked her on a date, her name’s Sophia.”

“Right,” Louis says, nodding his head. “Of course, yeah. I’m sorry for barging in like this then.” He tries to smile at Liam, but it looks more like a grimace as he reaches for the door.

Liam feels awful, but there’s not anything he can do to make it better, because he’s already said it, and there’s not taking it back at this point.

~~

Liam’s stood in his bedroom wearing just a pair of jeans when someone starts banging on his door. He looks the clock, nodding impressively because he figured for sure that Zayn would have showed up at the same time as Sophia in an attempt to talk him out of this date. It’s impressive that Zayn wasn’t able to hold off as long as Liam thought he would.

“I had a feeling you’d be making an appearance today,” Liam says, closing the door when everyone is inside. He leans forward to kiss Niall on the cheek. “You okay, Ni?”

“Hungry,” Niall replies, yawning as he pulls his face out of Harry’s neck to look around Liam’s apartment.

“Kitchen’s stocked, help yourself,” Liam says, motioning towards the other room. “I need to finish getting ready.”

“I’ll join you,” Zayn says, following behind Liam. “Harry, don’t give him anything filling, okay? I don’t want his appetite ruined for dinner. Nothing sweet either, please.”

“Got it,” Harry calls after him, his voice hushed as Zayn and Liam disappear into his bedroom.

Liam ignores Zayn entirely, walking straight into his closet for a shirt. He can see out of the corner of his eye that Zayn is lying on his bed, lounging on it and watching Liam closely.

“Excited for your date tonight?” Zayn asks.

“Nervous, actually, but yes, I suppose that I’m excited,” Liam replies.

“Been a while since you’ve been with a girl, yeah?”

Liam sighs, shaking his head and pulling a shirt off the hanger, draping it over his shoulder before he goes back to searching.

“Several years, yes.”

“So where did you meet this Sophia, or whatever her name is.”

“I met her at the supermarket a couple weeks ago. We bumped into each other, literally, and hit it off immediately, so I asked for her number. We’ve been texting ever since, and now I’m taking her out.”

“Louis is never going to let you go there again,” Zayn mutters under his breath, smiling sweetly when Liam glances over at him. “I said how lovely. What’s she like? What does she look like?”

“Zayn,” Liam says, grabbing a few more shirts out of his closet and walking out. He heard what Zayn said, he’s not stupid, nor is he deaf. “Cut the bullshit, why are you here?”

“I’m here to be a good friend,” Zayn says, looking at Liam intently, watching as he stares at the shirts on the bed. “So, what’s she like?”

“She’s nice, funny even. I don't really know much about her, kind of the whole point of this date, but she’s rather pretty, gorgeous really. Tan skin, beautiful greenish-blue eyes, and long brown hair. She’s really lovely, I bet you’d like her, if you were in my shoes.”

“Sounds like someone I know,” Zayn says, tapping his chin as he pretends to think. “Oh yes, sounds exactly like your ex-boyfriend, except a girl.”

“What are you babbling about?” Liam asks, looking up to glare at Zayn. “She looks nothing like Louis.”

“Maybe not,” Zayn says, shrugging his shoulders. “But tan, greenish-blue eyes, long brown hair. I mean, kind of sounds like Louis to me.”

Liam’s glare hardens, his eyes flicking across Zayn for another moment before he snatches one of the shirts off the bed, undoing the buttons so he can get it on. He sighs halfway through it, dropping the shirt down on the bed to look back up at Zayn. “Why can’t you just let me do this?”

“Why do you need to go out with her Liam? I thought you were in love with Louis.”

“I am,” Liam admits, scratching at his chin before he rubs his freshly buzzed hair. “Of course I am, but that doesn’t mean anything.”

“It kind of means everything,” Zayn says, rolling onto his side and propping himself up on his elbow so he can look at Liam properly. “Not really fair to some poor girl to think this could go somewhere when you’re still hung up on the past, especially when that past was under false hope that a certain conversation between the two of you could have been a fresh start. He’s miserable without you, you know.”

“Yes, I remember what he did to you well enough to know that he’s miserable. I know that. I’m just as wretched as he is, Zayn, but I don’t know if it’s the right thing to get back together with him. I don’t know if I’m still in love with him or if I just think that I’m still in love with him. I need to go out with Sophia because I need to know my feelings for certain.”

“She’s not a science experiment, Liam. You can’t use her like that. She probably has real feelings for you, and you’re going to fuck her up well and good if you use her to test your feelings for Louis. We both know that you should get back together.”

“Zayn, I appreciate you looking out for your friend, but I need to do this, okay? She’s going to be here soon, and I really don’t want you, your boyfriend, or your son in my apartment when that happens,” Liam says, going back to undoing the buttons on the shirt. “So if you could please show yourself out, that would be great.”

“Fine,” Zayn says, sliding off the bed. “You’re angry because I’m right. You’re frustrated with me because you know that you’re making a mistake.”

Zayn huffs once and leaves the bedroom, closing Liam’s door behind him. Liam can still hear the faint sounds of them talking in the other room, but he doesn’t have time to dwell on it when he needs to finish getting ready. Sophia is going to be here soon and he’s nervous, doing up the buttons on his shirt and hoping that Zayn and the rest of them will get out of here before she arrives. It’ll be hard to explain why two men and a toddler are in his apartment.

Liam thinks that maybe they’re leaving when he hears his door open, but he never hears it shut again, so he sighs, going to see what’s stopping them. He stops short when he reaches his kitchen, standing next to Harry and listening as Zayn says,

“I’m Liam’s husband, and this is Niall, our son,” he says, bouncing Niall on his hip. He turns to look at Niall, his son staring at him, and Liam glares, because what in the actual fuck is Zayn doing?

“I Niall,” Niall says, introducing himself. And to make everything worse Niall turns around and says, “Daddy?” He’s talking to Harry, obviously, but Liam’s standing right next to him.

“I think I should go,” Sophia says, backing away slowly. “It was lovely to have met you all.” And then she’s gone, rushing away from the door, Niall shouting bye to her retreating figure.

“You had no right to do that, Zayn,” Liam says, once Zayn has the door closed with Niall down on the ground. Harry backs away from him, moving to sit down on the couch. “I have to call her and explain.”

“She thinks you’re a cheating husband and father, sorry mate, but she’s not answering the phone for you,” Zayn says, making to sit next to Harry on the couch, Niall already sitting on his lap, forcing Harry to give him a bite of his banana.

“You hurt her feelings,” Liam says, dropping down on the chair next to the couch.

“And you weren’t going to? It’s better for her to think you’re scum then to go out with you, see how wonderful you are, because you’re a great guy, Liam, and then to have her heart broken when she finds out that you’re never going to give her a second chance. Or better yet, when she tries calling for a second date and Louis answers your phone. Who would you have rather let her down, Louis or myself?”

“Oh my god,” Liam groans, turning to face Harry. “Are you going to do anything about him?”

Harry looks at him for a moment, swallowing his annoyingly large bit of banana. “No,” he says simply, shrugging his shoulders, an unapologetic look on his face.

“Daddy,” Niall says, opening his mouth and pointing inside, waiting for Harry to give him another bite.

“Liam, I know that was wrong of me, but you can’t hurt other people on your search. You know how you feel about Louis, if it didn’t go away after what he did with Harry then it’s probably never going away. You’ve been broken up for ages, and you’re still hopelessly in love with him, why do you need to date some girl to figure that out?”

Liam sighs, leaning forward to drop his head in his hands. He takes a deep breath, one after another and tries to calm himself. Zayn’s right, and that’s what’s bothering Liam more than anything. He should have never tried this thing with Sophia, not when he’s still gone for Louis, not when he’s using this as an experiment to test his feelings. It’s not right. Neither is what Zayn did, but it’s better that she thinks Liam is a lowlife than a great guy who refuses to call her back after what would have inevitably been an amazing night.

It takes several minutes for Liam to look back up at them and nod his head. “You’re still a bit of a jerk, but I get it. Let me go change clothes and I’ll take you three out, my husband, his boyfriend, and our son.”

Zayn laughs, tossing his head back and throwing one of the pillows off Liam’s couch at him. “You love us,” he shouts after him, and Liam waves him off. That’s nothing but an obnoxious lie.

~~

“How did your date go?” Louis asks, arms crossed defensively over his chest. Liam can tell that he’s trying his hardest to look like he doesn’t care, like he’s not bothered about what happened with Sophia.

“I didn’t go,” Liam tells him, shrugging when Louis looks at him. “Zayn and Harry showed up with Niall, and they pretended like we were married and that Niall was my son.”

“So they ruined it, it wasn’t something where you actually didn’t want to pursue the date.”

“I wanted to see if there was a possibility that I could be with someone else, and Zayn made a fair point when he said that it wasn’t right to use Sophia in that way. She’s a nice girl, great person, but she deserves better than someone just testing to see how they feel about someone else.”

“About me.”

“Yeah, about you.”

Louis sighs, releasing a deep breath. “So what does that mean?”

“It means we should probably talk about things, see if there is any kind of compromise between us. We need to lay out everything that we want and expect from the other on the table.”

“Expectations of each other or of this relationship?”

“Both, I’d guess.”

Louis nods, sighing once more. “All right, sit down. I’ll make us some tea and then we can talk, okay?”

Liam nods and takes a seat at the table, watching as Louis putters around the kitchen. While Louis makes their tea, Liam tries to collect his thoughts, tries to piece it all together in his head. He really doesn’t know he wants to say, not in a cohesive sentence.

Eventually, though, Louis finishes making their tea and Liam knows that they should start talking before something else interrupts them. But that doesn’t happen, Liam makes it through an entire cup of tea and then again because he just doesn’t know what to say. The words are there inside his head but nothing is coming out, he doesn’t know what to say. And it makes him feel awfully, he wants so badly to have an open exchange of dialogue, but nothing is happening. Liam can’t get his mouth to work properly.

“How do you start a conversation like this?” Louis asks.

“I think you just start it.”

“All right, well, to start things off I guess there is the obvious marriage and children.”

“Yeah.”

“You want them and I don’t,” Louis says, shrugging.

“All right, yeah. That’s something,” Liam agrees, nodding. “I don’t think it all ends there, though. I mean, marriage and children aren’t really the end all be all. You have to have expectations of me when it comes to being in a relationship.”

“I expect you to be supportive and understanding.”

“And I’ve been those,” Liam says, because he’s not going to allow Louis to make him sound like a horrible boyfriend. He’s not. He was always good to him.

Louis looks at him, sighing. “We’re not talking about things we were or we weren’t, we’re talking about things that we expect of the other.”

“While being supportive and understanding, we should also acknowledge that sometimes we might not agree with what the other is doing. Sometimes these things take time.”

“Then there has to be open dialogue between us, otherwise I’ll never know when that happens.”

“And that’s what we’re working on right now, have discussions about things that we disagree on, like the marriage and children.”

“So do you think that’s our biggest problem?” Louis asks, looking at Liam thoughtfully.

“I do, yeah,” Liam says, licking his lips. “We’ve been able to resolve everything before. Do we fight? Yeah. Have we messed up in the past? Yes, but we’ve always talked it out and figured out where to meet in the middle.”

“But not with this.”

“But not with this,” Liam repeats.

~~

“Zayn says that you and Louis have been having a conversation about your relationship, about the possibility of starting it back up again,” Harry says and Liam nods, not bothering to look up at him where he’s thumbing through paperwork that they’re supposed to be working on. They have contracts to sort through, clients to prepare for, so much to do that doesn’t involve talking about Louis.

“You know, you could talk to me about it,” Harry says.

“You don’t even like Louis,” Liam mutters, eyes never leaving the papers in his hands.

“Besides ruining your own relationship, Louis almost ruined mine, so while I don’t really care for him, it’s better to talk about some of these things. Trust me, it was hard for Zayn and I, but you can talk to me.”

“There’s not really much to share,” Liam says, sighing when Harry snatches the papers away from him. “Zayn’ll get mad if he finds out you have information about this and you didn’t tell him.”

“Zayn would want to hear this from Louis, not me.”

“Even still.”

“Do you not want to talk because you’re worried about if there is anything left between the two of you or what?”

“The only way there is nothing left is if neither of us can find common ground.”

“You still love him?” Harry asks, looking at Liam thoughtfully, like he can’t really believe it.

“I do, yeah. Never stopped.”

“Even after everything?”

Liam sighs, raising an eyebrow as he looks at Harry. “What Louis did, I can understand if you never forgive him, I can. And yeah, what he did made it hard for me, for a while, but you need to talk to him. You need to resolve whatever issues that you’re having with him, whatever issues that you’re feeling that makes you think it’s wrong of everyone else to feel any way about him.”

“He ruined my relationship.”

“You both did,” Liam says, interrupting Harry.

This time it’s Harry’s turn to sigh, begrudgingly nodding his head. “I’m sorry,” he says, setting the papers down in front of Liam. “Zayn’s been on my ass about my feelings about Louis, and I’m working on it. So, I’m sorry.”

“No reason to be sorry to me,” Liam says, grabbing at the papers again. “And honestly, things with Louis and I could be great. They could be amazing, we just need to find that compromise.”

“When are you going to see him next?”

“Tonight,” Liam tells him.

~~

“I’ve been thinking about what I should say to you today,” Louis says, “and about our relationship, just things that I like about it and things that I don’t.”

Liam nods because that’s good. “And what did you realize that you don’t like? We should start there, yeah?”

Louis nods, wetting his lips. “There wasn’t anything specific, nothing where I could sit back and figure out a fix to it. Like, how you have to do the dishes right after we eat, so sometimes I’ll still be at the table and you’re cleaning. Or how you like to slam the doors when you leave.”

“Okay,” Liam says, trying to process the information. He can work on those; he didn’t even realize that he does them, he’s never thought about it before. “I can work on those.”

“But that’s not really what bothers me about this relationship, because those are you, and I’ve gotten used to them.”

“All right,” Liam says slowly, nodding.

Louis sighs, shaking his head. “What I’m saying is, those little annoying things that bother me are all things that come with you, and I’ve gotten used to them, and accepted them, just like you’ve-“

“Gotten used to your boxers on the floor of the bathroom.”

“Exactly.”

“So did you not come up with anything?”

“No, I did.”

“And what was it?” 

Louis sighs. “Thinking back on things, I’ve noticed how every time we reach a point of disagreement, our first instinct is to end things, call it quits or to make the other thing that’s what we did, so that we can get our way.”

Liam licks his lips, because yeah, they’ve done that a lot. It’s not healthy, nor is it fair.

“We can’t call it quits again just because we reach a point where it feels like things might be getting hard,” Louis says, and Liam nods, thinking back on all the times they both thought it was over because they fought. “We have to talk, because not everything means we have to end this relationship.”

“Our first instinct can’t be to end things.”

“Exactly,” Louis says, nodding. “I don’t want to lose you again.”

“Neither do I,” Liam says, reaching for Louis’ hand, gripping onto it tightly. “It’s going to be hard, but we can do it. And I’d like, you know, if it’s not too much for you, to join in some of your therapy sessions. We can talk to someone who can help us work on our communication.”

“I think they’d like that, my therapist. I talk about you a lot, so I think if I mention it that she’d be open to bringing you in.”

“That’s good, we could use all the help that we can get.”

“Yeah,” Louis says, nodding. “But the thing is, we have to figure out our future on our own. The kids and the marriage, we can’t force someone into helping us with that. We have to do it ourselves.”

Liam sighs, leaning back in his seat. He nods and shrugs, unable to think of what to say. He knows what Louis is talking about, those two little things that have them here in the first place.

“I don’t know if I want to have children,” Louis says finally, after several minutes of silence from Liam’s end.

“Does that apply to now, or ever?”

Louis shrugs his shoulders, frowning. “I really don’t know. I mean, at this point in time, I don’t. But I can’t—I can’t say what I know for sure.”

“I don’t want children now, Lou. I just want to know if that option is available to me. I want to have a proper family with you,” Liam says and maybe he should have said that all along; that he wasn’t asking for them now. Liam was asking for the possibility of a family, if Louis would be open to that in the future.

“I don’t know if children are in my future,” Louis says, looking at Liam sadly. “I know that much now.”

“But you don’t know that in a year or two, so you could change your mind.”

“I could, yeah.”

“Just like I could change my mind,” Liam says. “What people want changes all the time, so I’m not asking you to agree to kids or anything, I just want to know if there is ever a possibility, even a tiny one that we could have that together.”

“But are you willing to stay with me for that long, only to find out that I don’t want children?” Louis asks and Liam nods, because yeah, as long as Louis is willing to sit down and have an open conversation about it.

Louis doesn’t look convinced, and Liam’s not sure how he can prove it to him, how he can show him that he means it. Suddenly, though, he’s hit with an idea.

“What if we get a dog?” Liam asks and Louis raises an eyebrow. “No, hear me out, okay? Hundreds, thousands, and millions of people don’t have children, and they’re perfectly happy being dog parents.”

“You’ll never be happy raising a dog if you want children.”

“Maybe not, but that’s something for now. Or something in the future that we can do, get a dog. I hear loads of people talk about how puppies are great practice for babies.”

“They both cry at night,” Louis reasons, nodding to himself. “And neither of them know how to control their bladders. And you have to teach them how to be good.”

“Exactly, and I know that it’s not the same. I know that a dog will never be what Niall is to Zayn you know, but it’s a step forward.”

Louis bites down on his bottom lip, head still nodding as he thinks about it. And Liam hopes that he finally got through to him, finally found something that they can both agree on. Liam would be willing to settle on a cat, if he absolutely had to. He’d really rather not, but if Louis wanted to try that first. Cats are a little easier to raise, or so he hears.

“Okay,” Louis says, looking at Liam, fierceness in his eyes. “We’ll get a dog.”

“Yeah?” Liam asks, a slow grin spreading across his face.

“Yeah.”

“That’s—okay, that’s progress, right? We’re making progress,” Liam says, unable to stop smiling at this point. He can feel things falling into place. He can feel everything clicking together between them.

Louis looks at him, smiling softly. Liam can tell that there is still more on his mind, and he knows there is still one more element that they need to talk about, one more thing that they need to discuss.

“What about marriage?” Liam asks.

“I really thought about this one a lot, and I talked about it with my therapist. She didn’t tell me what to do, but it was nice to get those thoughts out of my head.”

“Can you tell me what those thoughts were?” Liam asks, watching as Louis sighs.

“When I sat down and thought about the things that you wanted, really looked at them, I realized that I might not be ready to change my opinion on having children. But it’s like you said, you know, sometimes those things change, your wants for the future,” Louis says and Liam nods, wondering where Louis is going with this. “And I’ve thought about it, not just recently, but the entire time we were apart, and it was like, marriage, for the two of us, wouldn’t be that different, would it?”

“I would hope not.”

“Yeah, just a little, maybe a last name change,” Louis mutters quietly, sighing once more. “Being married to you wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. So if that’s something you still want, then I’m willing to compromise on that. Marriage and a dog.”

“Marriage and a dog,” Liam repeats, grinning. “So you want to be married to me?”

“I want to be married to you,” Louis repeats. “Obviously we need to work things through, figure out what we’re doing, take things slow instead of diving into that, but yeah. I want that.”

“You know what that means, right?”

Louis looks at him, eyebrow raised in question as he shakes his head. “No, I don’t.”

“That means you’ll have to take my last name, obviously.”

Louis snorts, a smile on his face. “Liam Tomlinson sounds much better.”

Liam shakes his head, reaching out to pull Louis closer. “I don’t think so, love. I’m afraid that marriage was my idea, so that means my last name gets to be carried on.”

Louis rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t argue it, instead he leans forward and kisses Liam for the first time in months. Liam kisses back, feeling as all the piece click back into place.

They still have a lot to work on, but for right now, this is everything Liam wants.

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my [tumblr](http://www.alnimawrites.tumblr.com) if you want to yell at me about this or anything :).


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